This past week or so I've felt very much as though I've been watching the world from afar, mostly due to the fact I came down with a heavy cold and simply mustering the strength to move around proved too much by the end of the week. Resulting in a few days with my own company.
Feeling at a loss, frustrated I couldn't work or be out of the house I read the news, that was a mistake. Feeling unwell and depressed I started to just watch. Watch people walking down the street outside, watch people on the bus, in the waiting room, my own family and friends. What I noticed is that we're all moving so fast that we never slow enough to stop, even when you think you're relaxing your still moving at 280967473365 miles an hour.
The world never sleeps anymore, there's just varying degrees of consciousness. Bars open till 3 am, cafe's open again at 5 am, the internet provides a matrix of constant awareness where there's always something to entertain you or capture your attention.
Constant words, thoughts, actions and consequences fill my mind, I think about EVERYTHING constantly. It's like when Bruce Almighty hears all the prayers of all the people, except it's not a power, it's just my brain constantly on full throttle. I suddenly felt as though the room was closing in around me. I felt like I could feel every single voice of all the people in the world, it was if I wasn't even in my body, I was just hovering somewhere above it all. I couldn't get the news stories out of my head, I couldn't stop worrying about my family, my friends, my work, I was thinking about all the musicians and bands I've worked with and where all that's heading, I couldn't think about what I like and how I was feeling, there was no room for any more thoughts. How could I ever unscramble my own thoughts with all the suffering and turmoil, thoughts and dreams of the rest of the population spinning round my mind? It was like a deafening roar of noise despite the fact I was alone and the room was completely silent apart from the radio that i'd had on for background noise ironically enough.
So I turned my phone off, I turned my laptop off, I turned the radio off and I switched the light off.
I pulled the curtains and just lay my head on the pillow, when I emerged a couple of hours later, I felt disorientated, as though the whole day had been a dream.
There were no thoughts, people or noises. It was just the late afternoon with the last of the summer sunshine gleaming in through the window.
I opened the window and the cool breeze that swilled around my face and hair was like the first breath I had ever taken.
I think for the first time in probably my entire adult life I had switched off. More like my battery was so low that I powered down automatically.
Today I've felt refreshed, the world might not sleep, I do. It just means adding that to the balance equation. It's easy to become depressed, to become obsessed with what the rest of the world is doing, looking like and tell yourself that you're not good enough, that you'll never succeed. That's not the case, you just haven't quite found the formula to the equation yet.
Don't stress it, because even when you find the formula, it's only a matter of time before it needs to be-calculated, the world doesn't sleep. Remember?
Your choice is survive or live. We spend so long trying to make our dreams come true, to be successful that we actually cease to live, we become these tireless robots of ambition. If you're not going to enjoy the route to whatever fantastical thing you're destined for, than you'll never appreciate that thing when it happens. The truth of it is, none of us are going to make it out alive, so we may as well enjoy the journey.
If you get to the end of your time and they (whichever powers that might be) ask you how heaven, paradise was, what will you say?
I spent so long trying to maintain everything I've built and building that I was no longer thriving on it, just surviving it. Heartbreaking because my blog and my music work is everything to me. It was no ones fault but my own, in a world that doesn't sleep it's a balancing act to keep up. After a few days to myself, I realise that I am an integral part to my life, so I have to be in my balance equation. Me time needs to be small chunks regularly not a week in bed because I've run myself into the ground.
Passion for what I do is powerless without energy.
With that the dreadful block I've faced throughout the entirety of September has dispersed and I feel I could write all night long.
We all experience life differently, we all perceive the world differently but the one thing we have in common is that time chases all of us, so you can either choose to see the magic and keep attempting to re-calculate the equation to balance your universe or not. It's not what we do that makes our life great, it's how we do it. Each of us.
I hope you maintain the balance long enough to truly encompass all of the incredible beautiful things in this world. There may be many bad savage things happening, our media doesn't portray all of the stunning, magical things that sometimes can only be felt not seen.
To help me challenge my anxiety I'm using this as the first post of twenty-one. #TwentyOneThings is my challenge to change my life by improving the quality of it.
Balancing all the things in my life properly is the first step I am taking to improving my quality of life.
Research has shown it takes 21 days to form or break a habit, so this is my challenge and each day I'll share a post here tagged #TwentyOneThings that are my way of fighting my anxiety and feeling stronger.
LOVE & PEACE
♥ ☮
KG
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LITTLEBEARWOLFCOVE © Krystal Gemma.
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