T H E // P R E T E N D E R

Aloha,

  Today's post mirrors the weather, slightly overcast but with a bright silver lining shining through the clouds. I'm writing this particular post because it's something we all go through, something we don't particularly understand. For me has taken almost a year to come to terms with.

  When a relationship comes to the end of it's time, you agree to be friends, so what are you supposed to do when a friendship comes to the end of it's time? Especially one that appeared to have been a close bond but that actually you realise was nothing more than illusions in the long run.

 It's hard but you have to let that person go, a friendship that is strong, will withstand distance and mistakes time after time. Time after time I was willing this friendship to work out, but when I eventually saw all the pieces clearly, I wondered why I had been trying to salvage a half romanticised memory of a person I barely knew anymore.

  For that reason I won't go into specifics, I don't need them clouding my thoughts. This is my goodbye, my reasons and my closure for one in particular, but several friendships in total.

 When I think of old friendships I know that even though time has passed and many things have happened, we are still friends. We'd have a good time catching up, nothing hidden, just purely a good time creating renewed memories of a friendship that has lasted.
 However when I think of others, I've come to realise that the time passed has withered our friendships. Catching up is simply a means to an end in finding out just what i've been doing with my time (which to a real friend wouldn't matter either way and though may be talked about, would not be with hooks looking for answers). Perhaps your newsfeeds aren't providing you with the information you crave, even your little birds can't quench that thirst for answers.

 I didn't realise this was how it was at first, you realise because that is not how I treat my friendships. In fact I tend to remember only the good which made remembering the harsh memories all the more painful and being reminded of things that at the time felt like daggers in my spine.
I don't have all the answers and I don't have a clue about life, i'm just living mine a day at a time. You needn't worry what I'm up to because you are you, you have your own life to live.

 The difference between us, is that where you lost your fire, I found a way to burn mine brightly. What I once thought was sisterhood I look back on and see the malice and spite in many of your actions towards me.

 The mistakes I made that had ripples in our friendship were not done with spite, but with naivety. The venom you exacted to poisoned my mind was a careful measurement, whether you intentionally meant it or not.
I have wondered in recent times whether when you at first decided I wasn't to be liked, that was in fact the long truth of our so called friendship.
Just finding ways to prove yourself better than I, which you really needn't have done because I never once considered myself better than you.

 Except I don't dwell on it anymore. In fact I barely think of it at all. Vengeance only finds a way of coming back to harm you. I wish you a life of contentment in all that you do. The same as I would wish to any person I do not know all that well, because if we are honest, we are but familiar strangers.

 I think a part of our friendship had been real, but your demons took control and tried to take me down with you, except you weren't the first and by the time I realised what you were doing, I had already burned many of my demons and though it took time I managed to keep yours from creating more in my mind.

I'm not the girl you once knew, the same as you are not the girl I once knew. We've grown and I think fair to say apart. I find myself learning everyday. I make no apologies for people who masquerade as friends when their agendas are not as hidden as they may like to believe.

Know only this, true friends. Years and mistakes make no difference on the bond we share. My energy and well being only increase when I am around them.
So if you find yourself deflated and untrusting, trust your instincts and walk away.
No need for negativity to be shared anymore, there's enough of it in the world. Chances are you aren't the only one feeling this way about that person and they aren't only treating you like it. When we have demons we can't face, we lash out at those around us we feel are without demons.
For whatever their reason whether it's jelousy, insecurity, fomo or something else if you consistently try to shield yourself from their negative vibes you will waste energy and time that could be put to far better use.

 To those people who are now either realising that a knife will only go so far before it hits the spine or are deluded enough to still hunger for answers...

 I am KG, I am many things, I am learning as much today as I was at 16. I know none of the answers to life, the difference is now I know I have none of these answers. Some parts of my journey are just beginning while others are in full swing. I love my family, friends unconditionally. I give myself completely to everything that is important to me. I am happy with my journey, my choices. I have good people in my life that I trust and no I don't really miss the old days because i'm too busy living today.

LOVE&PEACE

♥ ☮

KG

  littlebearwolfcove © - Krystal Gemma

N E V E R // C A G E // A // B U T T E R F L Y

Aloha!

 Thank you so much for joining me this evening. If you have come from L I T T L E B E A R W O L F, welcome welcome!! If you are joining me for the first time today, welcome, hello!

 For those of you who have never met a littlebearwolf before, aloha! I am Krystal Gemma, KG and I created and run littlebearwolf music blog. The arts are my passion, my blog is my baby, the bands are my family and as for home, well let's just say,

 I am a nomad of life. I choose to wander, to create. I've no interest in the rat race and the wealth of kings. For me wealth is staring out over the ocean at sunset, standing at the top of the highest hill and staring at the forests below you. Love is that feeling of absolute happiness you get when you're in the company of friends, when you're creating your art, when your drinking cider and eating coconut bread.

 This blog, this is my space to share all of that with you, with my brothers and sisters. I've not lived many years but in the years I have lived, I've learnt what loss, stress, pain, anger, jealousy feel like. I've felt trusted swords pierce my heart and back, i've felt the pain of those I too stabbed in the back and the heart for whatever gain I felt it would bring me at that time.

 I've felt love, happiness, peace, joy and known friendship too. Those feelings those are the ones I will focus on here. My music blog is my passion, as it grows I do too, littlebearwolfcove, is more personal. It's the girl behind the music. I've created this blog as a space to share the rest of my art with you all.

As I said the arts are my passion, music is my life force, performance and art are my love. When I was asked as a child what I wanted to be when I grew up, I said 'Actress'. I remember from such a young age wondering why all the people around me wanted to be just one thing. As I grew older, I started to realise, I didn't want to be an actress for the 'benefits', I wanted to be an actress simply because being anything else for more than a day seemed so dull.

 I remember walking home from school one day with a girl, we were talking about who we would be in the future, she said she wanted to work with animals. She seemed almost disgusted when I gave her my answer. 'I want to be an actress, an astronaut, an explorer, a writer, an artist, I want to try a million jobs and then a hundred more'.

'You'll never be all those things, besides if you have too many jobs on your CV people will think you're unreliable and won't want to hire you'.

DULL. DULL. DULL. My career advisor told me I would struggle to make a career in the arts. He wasn't lying but what he failed to tell me was the enjoyment I would get out of trying!

Sure there are days when I wonder if I used my skillset and experience to pursue management positions of the wonderous treasures I could hoard and the most expensive hand made Italian lace wedding dress money could buy, to impress the most gorgeous well dressed suit I could get my hands on.

That just isn't me, I know that girl would be happy of sorts but she would never be truly free. I'd rather live in a tree house, eating bread and spending my evenings watching the stars. I live in England and it's the 21st century. No tree house for me.

So where does that leave this now mid-twenties graduate who would rather chase the sun and play with wooden swords than find a husband and settle down.

FREE

That's also the beauty of living in England in the 21st century, I'm not being forced into a marriage and i'm not being told I must be a housewife. I am told I can do whatever I want to do. So why on earth do I find myself moaning.

Because with the world at your feet and youth on your side, how on earth are you supposed to pick just one thing?! How am I supposed to know at 13 what I'll want when i'm 35?! I'm 25 and I don't even know what i'd like for dinner tonight!

Perhaps you think i'm ridiculous, unreliable and pretentious. You'd be joined by just about all the faces I called FRIEND at college.

If you're still reading, perhaps you think somewhere amongst all the crazy there is a hint of sanity. I might be a total dreamer, spend most of my time in another world and walk around dressed like i'm playing dress up most of the time. 

 I'm also dedicated, when I set my heart on something I won't stop until it's done. I am creative and I like people, everyone is so different and interesting. I like to be involved and get stuck in. I even quite like my own company (sometimes. Too much of something is never a good thing).

 So if you're reading this and thinking 'oh my' she's the girl who's just applied for the job. I'm professional, I care about my work a great deal. I wholeheartedly believe in all the musicians I work with and take that faith into any of my projects. Know this, I may not be the wisest, fastest or have the most experience but what I do know is that I've learnt what I value. So chances are if you're looking at me as a prospective employee, I've already decided it's worth the fight and I want in to work with you. If you've just met me and I told you to check out my blog, I must like you because I'm willing you to read my craziness and expect you to still want to be my friend after.

If you already know my face than chances are you've accepted me and know that this is exactly the kind of nonsensical mutterings I will hammer on about but that when you need me, I'll be there for you.

 To sum it all up, this blog is my little corner of the web where I can share my adventure with you. You don't have to come back, but together with my work, this makes up the career I have in life. So I will continue to be me, maybe one day that me will be mother to kids, maybe she will be a laywer living in the heart of London but for now she's a freespirit who if she had to call herself by a profession would be blogger, photographer, performer, artist aiming to be jack of all creative trades.

If you stand on my wings, I will only fight harder to fly.

My work remains at littlebearwolf, but this here, is where I will share the little things that make the personal side of KG a happy life to live as well as my passions in performance and art.

LOVE&PEACE

♥ ☮

KG

  littlebearwolfcove © - Krystal Gemma

I do not own the images, property of their respective owners.