☾ ♬ C O L O U R S // O F // T H E // W I N D ♬ ☾

Aloha,

  A little tale about Magick. No I haven't lost the plot nor sold my soul. Magick exists all over the world; people see it in their loved ones, in the stars in the night sky, in the art they love, in the music they are passionate about. It isn't a set image with a straight set of guidelines. I hope that each of you has something they can find a little magick in, at least for one day.

  Like many other twenty-somethings I find myself drawn to certain passions, love, cultures and faiths. I'm not the kind of person to share my political or religious views all over the internet but Magick is something I find both interesting and inspiring. This post is aimed more about that interest rather than me telling you what you should believe. These are simply my findings and thoughts on the subject.

  What is magick to me? Magick is just a little cosmic dust that I happen to like reading about and hearing tales of. It gives me something outside the realm of reality to indulge in. Mostly what first drew me in to magick; was back in the day living in the historic city of Worcester and just about every cathederal, castle I've visited since. I have had an obsession with dragons, castles, forests, oceans, celts and anicent civilisations for just about as long as I can remember. I've had an obsession with Native American culture since my dad brought me gifts from a settlement on a vist to the states almost twenty years ago. Magick is my way of connecting my modern life with those ancient interests.

  My teachers told my parents I had a wild imagination with good creative flair. My family say i'm a free spirit. My friends say i'm away with the faeries and i'm often found daydreaming. The things is, I refuse to see the world in the mundane reality we are so often presented with.
  I find magick in the blogs I read too; for a while now i've liked taking a moment to read Scarphelia. I have as some of you know been particularly unwell this week with Asthma. I watched one of my favourite movies 'About Time', I wrote about it and my illness soon after. Later I was scrolling through Twitter and found a post Katie had written including the film. A little magick was there presented to me; a blogger I admire writing about a film I love. There to take my mind off being unwell, was Katie providing me with a little magick in my day.

  Another magick trait I find interesting is meditation and aromatherapy. Reading blogs like She Is The Revolution written by Jayne. I've never met Jayne, I feel bad I've not even tweeted for sometime either, but Jayne you regularly provide me with a little magick to enhance my day.
While Jayne's blog is titled 'She is the revoltuion', the studio I work with holds our motto as 'I am the revolution' another small sign of magick joining my spiritual side to my reality.
While reading about meditation, youga and aromatherapy, I was introduced through a mutual friend to Kirsty. Her beautiful photos and tweets of all things Crystal and magick provide me with mini magick pick me ups throughout my week.

  Magick isn't something limited to networks of people on social media sites either, it is in fact present in popular music and films throughout history. Someone who can provide you with a hell of a more detailed count of these links is Mr. Jarred Triskelion who I first met when he gave me a tarot reading. The link I have provided is called 'hiding in plain sight' though Jarred's blog is a must-read for anyone with an interest in the occult magick world.

 A song i've come to love for many years now is 'Magic Dance' by David Bowie, featured in the film 'Labyrinth'. This tune certainly provides me with a little magick when I need it most. David Bowie also appears in the film 'The Prestige' which focuses around a more popular theme of Magic.

Led Zeppelin another favourite of mine, hiding in plain sight with their esoteric symbolic use in album artwork.

From bands to films to shows magick has remained a popular theme for many successful tv shows such as Bewitched, Charmed, Eastwick and of course my favourite's Sabrina and Buffy. They weren't the only ones to popularise magick. Cult movie 'The Craft' terrified me the first time I watched it, the second, third, fourth, hundredth and millionth times I just found myself mesmerised by it. (Don't judge me it was the 90s and it was a slumberparty favourite.)

  I think i'd be kidding myself if I didn't at least mention Tolkein's works and Harry Potter's adventures; which have made magick available to the masses. From the corners of Middle Earth to the bays of Westeros and the crooked buildings of Diagon Alley, magick truly is all around us.

  I first took an interest in Magick as a teen when my mum had quite an obsession with Egyptology and Magick. My school friends and I would look up love spells and find books about magick. We once did a spell where we each grew a plant, this was the symbol of a growing love. When my mum accidentally knocked my plant off my windowsill while I was at school, the same day as my boyfriend broke up with me, I was convinced I'd had my first encounter with real magick. I've grown more skeptical over the years but I try not to let the pessimist in me ruin all my fun and I like to believe there is some magick left in the world.

  So today, I find magick in all things from culinary delights, astronomy, history and music to actually reading about magick. I love finding little craft shops full of incense, candles, crystals and books. This tune from Santana I first heard on vinyl after saving a load my mum had cast to a box hidden in a cabinet. I popped incense on, turned the lights off and let the notes play out into the room, for me that created a certain kind of magick.

Nahko Bear and Medicine For The People also provide me with magick in their music that has healed my soul on rough days and given me light in the dark.

  Since school I have been collecting little 'magickal' treasures. From precious stones to coins, pieces of eight (bits of no consequence to the world that I find mystical and intruiging) to candles, incense and of course pretty boxes to keep my spell ingredients in.

  I find images online that inspire me to see magick in the world, but one blogger in particular provides my Instagram feed with such magick, that I have to share a link for you all to check out. Heather's images on EffiesMakeUpBox include stunning jewellery, smudge sticks, the cutest cats, dogs, epic sketches and beautiful ink, it really is a magickal place. With a mutual love of Dinosaurs, I can honestly say Heather is one of my favourite Bloggers.
Wherever you find your magick, whether it's Dynamo's tricks, the incredible acts of Cirque Du Soleil or the films, books, music and people you surround yourself with. Take a little moment to enjoy it tonight.

Namaste,

LOVE&PEACE

♥ ☮

LITTLEBEARWOLFCOVE
KG

Images / content belong to their respective owners. 
LITTLEBEARWOLFCOVE © - Krystal Gemma

☾ ♬ T H E // C U R E ♬ ☾

Aloha,

  I've had a very odd couple of days. Very odd indeed. It started off blissfully with a trip to Queen Elizabeth country park; which is by far one of my favourite places in England. Just a few steps off one of the busiest A roads; yet five minutes of walking and wind direction dependent the noise of the traffic just falls away to silence and nature envelopes it's tourist's in beauty and awe-inspiring sights.

  It was while wandering around the country park and lying on the grass looking to the sky, I realised I don't ever stop anymore. Not a single day goes by that I don't tweet or share something online. Even sometimes just a photo but ultimately I never stop. I sleep seconds away from my phone, charging and on loud just incase I need to be woken from my sleep to work or be online. Oh KG, the nineties judges you.

  You're that keen to work that you're willing to put your most primitive of needs second. No wonder the next 24 hours were the longest day of your life.
I had recently watched 'The Internship' (I don't normally go for Vaughn, Wilson combos but this particular film really kept my attention and made me realise several things about my own outlooks for career and future life) a slapstick funny look at two experienced salesmen entering a mental hungergames for the opportunity of a lifetime. This film made me wonder two things, one is that really what it's like to work for Google? What are the people like that provide us with the worlds biggest search engine? On more than one occasion i've paused a conversation with 'hang on two secs I'll Google it'.

 As the film went on, I found myself relating massively to some of the content. For instance the scene where the kids say not getting the job is the end of their lives. These kids have come from the best schools and are literally fighting it out for a handful of jobs. Everything they do counts towards getting the job or not. Ok so i'm not fighting for a job at one of the worlds biggest companies, but i'm fighting everyday to do the job I enjoy, it's competitive, it's ferocious, changing and never sleeps. So yes I sleep with phone seconds away from my bed, I don't have time to be ill, I don't have time to take days off. Even my trip to the country park; 'ok sweet, but we need to make sure we're back in time so I can get some emails in and check out the last bands on my list'.

  I felt a little ashamed of myself that I had forgotten to enjoy what i'm doing, because I had got so caught up in doing it. I decided to take the day to relax, after all I love what I do, it's important to me, the bands and studio but the world isn't going to end if I take a day off. I'd focus on working a bit after dinner. (Umm KG that's still not a day off)

'Choose a job you love and you will never have to work a day in your life'

  Yes but Confucius didn't live in the 21st century where society evolves faster than mankind. I don't feel the dread of getting up to put a uniform on for a company I secretly despise, but I wake up everyday knowing I have to make it count. I have to make improvements, positive change and build interest for my work. With 7 billion people on the planet, of course there's someone else doing what I do.

  As we arrived at the country park I felt a bit odd, tired (I hadn't been sleeping too well) a little stressed, happy but mostly warm, so warm. We wondered off the trail for a while, climbing hills and passing numerous different trees and shrubs. The sun beat down its hot rays; there under the canopy of the trees I felt muggy warm air swilling around my hair and gently blowing the skirt of my dress.

  We found a lovely clearing and settled for some nibbles. It was here I chose to lay down, and just exist for a moment. I woke up and wondered how long I had been sleeping for. Rob was still laying in the sun and after a sip of water I decided to take some photos of the surroundings.

  I felt uneasy and realised my chest was aching. At the end of last year I started to become unwell with my long-standing asthma condition. Being exposed to mould spores, extreme heat and high dust levels from a place of employment had left me with weakened lungs. The whole of 2014 had been overshadowed by that condition which at times would worsen and render me useless for a couple of days. Due to my work being so important to me, I had not taken any real time to recover, a couple of hours here and there. Countless prescriptions and medicines held me together on a weekly basis.

  As we arrived back home and the guys were playing computer games, I could feel a real tightness in my chest. I don't know if you've ever suffered with Asthma but the feeling of not being able to breathe is terrifying. All your energy then focuses on trying to maintain the function that keeps you alive. As the night progressed I became sweatier, wheezier and in a general state of decreased awareness. My inhalers were proving futile and amongst disrupted zeds I was coughing and struggling to keep comfortable.

  When the condition was no better in the morning, I started to feel a flurry of panic as I realised I still couldn't breathe properly. Determined not to go to hospital or back to the doctors I tried to focus on getting things done. No, not today KG. Not going to happen.
  It was while lying there with loved ones rushing around me to help me that I realised my phone, my work and my tweets weren't going to help me now. My colleagues had been so kind, understanding and caring saying I was right to rest and work could wait, but I felt wasted not being able to offer something to the day. As the sun rose higher in the sky I drifted in and out of sleep, sometimes waking to take my inhaler. My mind urging me to pick up my phone but my lungs ensuring I did not.  I began to think about my life. I wasn't by any means as wealthy as i'd like but that doesn't really matter, I mean after all money won't buy you happiness. Sometimes it just stalls you realising you are happy.
  I realised that because my work is my baby, it's my future plans, it's my ambition that I had almost stopped putting any other energy into my life to focus purely on working. Which we all know leads to exhaustion and ultimately running yourself into the ground. Oh.right.

  I hadn't even been taking my medication. Stupid girl. How can you take a step back though from the work that you love when it's all you focus on and the industry moves so fast. I felt a little helpless as I drifted off to sleep in the evening, knowing I still felt too unwell to focus on anything but too restless to rest.

  It was ever warmer and as I was blisffully immersed in dreamless sleep, the loudest crash and rumbling across the sky awoke me abruptly. Light flickered across my whole bedroom and I suddenly realised it was a storm. I shuddered under my duvet before the second rumble sent me running into the next room yelping. I managed to stub my toe, graze a toe and burn both my hands on the furniture I bounded into.
  I'm not normally scared of storms but I was alone and unwell. Realising how tired I was, I retreated back to my bed and pulled the duvet over my head.
A second storm thundered through the sky before morning and it's been so muggy today, I wouldn't be at all surprised if we are graced with more tonight. It's cloudy, muggy and still outside.

It was while resting this morning I realised I had overcome something yesterday; yes the fear of not working fills me with anguish but I realised that if it were all to fall to pieces I have something inherently more beautiful and lasting surrounding me. Love. Not just in the doe-eyed lovestruck kinda sense, in the sense that I have loving parents who would rather I was walking barefoot doing what I love with my time, than working in a pressure cooker of professional ladder climbing environments. For that I think i'm extremely lucky. I've known friends and colleagues with less understanding parents.
I have a wonderful, albeit crazy brother who despite driving me insane, I can't help but want to sit with and chat about all the wonderous things.
I have a modest group of freinds yet trusting, kind friendships with individuals that I both respect and find inspiration in.
The love from my best friend who I couldn't manage without, who has been there for me through everything i've endured and experienced. Who I can call at any time to just chat too, who I can wear no-make up around and cry my heart out too when things are too much. In the non-girlier sense of things, someone I trust and care for an incredible amount, someone I want to see happy and content in all that they do. When they can't be those things and I can't fix them, they know that I will just sit with and pass the time with until they are feeling better. Someone I can spend time with everyday and not tire of, someone who's passion for their art inspires me to stick at mine.
  That's when I realised, i'm not wealthy in finances, I don't jet off to exotic places and this year i've had to grow up quicker than I ever have in the 25 years previous to this. I feel wealthy; I have a place to call home (it's not perfect but it's sure not the worse place i've ever lived or learnt about) I have loving family and friends who support my maniacal ideas and allow me to use my time to pursue them. I no longer pursue dreams of fame, riches because i've learnt that not all treasure is silver and gold. That being known does not mean you'll never feel alone.

As if by some odd twist of fate, I decided not to work today, I could but I still didn't feel particularly well and for once, I wanted to recover before embarking back on my quest. I instead watched 'About Time' one of my favourite films. It's an ordinary story explained in an extraordinary way. It's one of the most uplifting films i've watched. That we don't need to repeat the days we live, we don't need to hope for better. We just have to live each day as though it's the day we've gone back to change. The film itself has a real honest feel to it, as though it could be about one of your friends lives. It's the beautiful simplicity that makes this film one of my absolute favourites.

  With that, resting and a mind full of thoughts, I write this post. It wasn't the OOTD or lifestyle posts I had intended but it is infact my realisation that life is not what you do, it's how you do it. Whether you're a retailer, writer, musician, housewife or lawyer, when you find yourself doubting things and seeing a negative shadow on your life, take a moment to change what you perceive. Your biggest challenges still lie ahead and you won't make it out alive so make it count and enjoy it.

'Some days you want to relive forever, some days you only want to live once'

LOVE&PEACE

♥ ☮

LITTLEBEARWOLFCOVE
KG

Images / content belong to their respective owners. 
LITTLEBEARWOLFCOVE © - Krystal Gemma

T H E // V E G A N

Aloha,

  For those of you new to my blog, for those of you who read both LITTLEBEARWOLFCOVE and LITTLEBEARWOLF blogs, welcome. Thanks for taking the time, I hope you like what you see. I'm KG and I created and run both these blogs and this week i've become the vegan.

 At 26 i'm fully throwing myself into all things a mid twenties individual does, from studying and a bit of travelling, to climbing the ladder of the corporate ladder and jumping off the top, to settling down and running away to settle down again, it's fair to say i've pretty much fallen into every cliche in the book of life.

  Like many of people in the modern world, I struggle to find my place, to sit still and to be. I've lost family, i've seen loved ones suffer long-term illness and i've loved and lost more times than I care to count anymore.

  My life's just beginning and i'm enjoying every moment of it. I've transformed and experimented with more things than I ever considered and i've made mistakes and learnt some life lessons along the way. My parents refer to me as the hippie, my friends refer to me as the free spirited wildchild that refuses to grow up and me, well I just think i'm a young girl trying to make sense of the world.

  I like food, wait no, I LOVE food. I'm body conscious but it's certainly not overpowering. Well it wasn't an overpowering factor until my early twenties when strangers kept asking if I was pregnant. As you can imagine. Mortifying. No, No I'm not and the oh dear god I'll just wear a bin bag today seeing as you're going to make me feel rubbish anyway.

  Doctors said I just needed to eat healthier, friends said it was IBS, my mother convinced it's ALL the alcohol (what the occasional bottle of wine at the weekend or an odd glass of cider at the pub, I doubt it mum but thanks for the confidence in your daughters drinking habits.)

  Either way the bloating wasn't going down, the uncomfortable symptoms were persisting and my body confidence was secretly hitting rock-bottom.

  Some reading and advice from a friendly nurse, taught me about water-retention, IBS, Gluten and lactose intolerances. All of which would cause symptoms similar to mine.

  Just to paint you a picture, I'm 26, stand fairly little at just 5'3 (just), weighing in between 8.5-9 stone depending on the time of year, (when bloated and at my roughest adding another half a stone just on my stomach) and at my biggest I was 10.5 stone. I have a slim but muscular figure, thanks to the years of dancing throughout my childhood.

  I danced and studied dance throughout school and college so keeping slim was never an issue, my parents were not big meal makers either. My mum has more food allergies than I can count.

  It was throughout uni I got to my biggest of 10.5 stone, waitressing, depression and studying all contributed to my weight gain. Over the last year i've made many changes to my life and through living a more positive lifestyle managed to shed the extra pounds. I've come along way from the girl who did drink a fair amount of alcohol and eat fast food, pre-packed food and left exercise to while waitressing and studying at uni. However the bloating never subsided and has been making me feel both ill and extremely down of late.

  I was made aware that as a baby I had a lactose intolerancy. Thanks mum, that kind of information would have been handy at any point in the last 26 years. My health professionals advice, cut all gluten from your diet. I was eating a fair amount of white bread and pasta. Cutting those in quantity and changing to wholegrain helped but didn't by any means resolve the issue.
okay, try cutting lactose from your diet as well as any fizzy drinks (and drink plenty of water). WHAAAAT.?! But but but... Ben&Jerry's, pizza, latte's, milkshake?! No animals, no dairy, no fizzy drinks, no fast food.
I'd already given up meat (I don't eat it often and I wouldn't kill the animal myself so I don't want it killed for me, I have no problem with people eating meat, it's just my choice not to.)
Giving up dairy is altogether something else for me. Not to mention fizzy drinks, of which Pepsi and Coke are both my best friends and worst enemies.

  Here I am, DAY ZERO. I have swapped all white bread products for wholegrain/granary or ryvitas. I've swapped pasta for noodles and brown rice. I have swapped chips for new potatoes, jacket potatoes (without butter) and i'm slowly coming to terms with the fact eating at restaurants is something I will be doing a lot less. Pizza's will have to be homemade and salad it looks like we're going to be a lot better friends in future. Swapping latte's for black coffee has not been a problem at home and i've been told my favourite coffee chains offer lactofree milk. Cutting pepsi and coke from my diet is proving a challenge but i'm finding new friends in fruit juice and water.

  I'm still incredibly bloated but I don't feel as weighed down as usual. I'm not pleased at having to cut my favourite foods from my diet but if it's going to make me feel better than i'll give it a go. I'll keep you updated over the next two weeks and at the end where I go from there. If you're veggie, vegan or something else and want to offer me advice, please I'm so interested in finding out more, please do share.

  I am fairly active but plan to introduce more active factors into my lifestyle to help with this. So it may have been for health reasons but i'm hoping this change will be for the good and better for me and my body. For more updates check out my HEALTH & NUTRITION labels in the coming days.

LOVE&PEACE

♥ ☮

LITTLEBEARWOLFCOVE
KG

Images / content belong to their respective owners. 
LITTLEBEARWOLFCOVE © - Krystal Gemma

WHAT KG WORE #1

  If you had asked me a just over a year ago what kind of closet I wanted; I would have told you I wanted a room I could walk into that were filled with lovely clothes and accessories. Fast forward to today and the answer could not be more different.

  So what changed in a year? Well I quit my job working in fashion management; I no longer needed to keep my employers happy with wearing all the latest trends. (For the record this resulted in a near panic attack every time a new trend emerged in our deliveries that I would have to a. Afford to buy and b. Convince myself I looked nice in.)

  Along with quitting my job, I broke up with my boyfriend (this caused more emotional stress and not wanting to get dressed up as all I really wanted to do was throw everything out and start over) and then I also moved back in with my parents. (Goodbye independence and personal space)

  I removed all mirrors from my bedroom (my mum has an obsession with antique mirrors; I figured the ones covering the rest of the rooms in the house were enough of a reminder to what I looked like).

  After a month of creating the biggest mess in my life, I started to crawl towards getting my life on track. This last year and a half has been my happiest but toughest. As I continue to move forward, I find daily challenges and obstacles to overcome. 

  One of those has been my personal image, the way I see myself, the way I am perceived by others. I had a number of closets packed full with beautiful clothes (most of which had never even been worn).  I didn’t really care that I had not worn them, just that I owned them. If I saw something I liked I had to own it. I liked having the most clothes out of all my friends. Yet it didn’t make me happy. It didn’t help me survive; it certainly didn’t help my financial situation.

   I liked knowing that I had almost as many clothes as the ‘celebrities’ I admired. I liked knowing that whatever the trend or weather I had something pretty & ready to wear (despite the fact I lived in the same few outfits).

  After breaking free from my previous life choices, the clothes were one of the things playing on my mind. I had all these beautiful clothes that were not fulfilling their fashion destiny. There were people in the world with not even clothes to cover their backs and I had closets full of things I would neither part with nor wear. Horrid. 

  That’s when I started to clear my closet. If I didn’t love it, it had to go. To charity, to friends, to sell, wherever it could best be used.

  I no longer enjoy days of shopping, in fact I tend to only shop now if it’s something I need. I only buy things that I need or will use ALOT. I tend not to buy throwaway fashion anymore because a. It doesn’t last. B. You end up looking the same as every other Joe average.  C. I was finally starting to find my own style, which wasn’t trying to keep up with wearing the latest trends. D. I don’t agree with forcing people to make millions of items a day for us to buy and throw away as we wish when there are people in the world that could really benefit from those clothes.

   I still have items from high st shops in my closet and it’s not that I never buy clothes. It’s just that I’m finding my own style and more cautious over the items I purchase these days.

  I love seeing the clothes my friends and fashion bloggers have been buying and wearing, it’s not that I don’t like fashion. I love fashion. I just know what I’m looking for in my own style and what I feel comfortable in. 

  These posts ‘WHATKGWORE’ are simply that journey put into pictures and words to share with you. Perhaps you are on your own style adventure or perhaps you like having lots of clothes and wear them too, feel free to share your fashion/style ideals with me in the comments below the post.

  Alternatively I have started to sell various items from my closet that I still love but don’t wear very often. Items that I have worn a few times but not worn again and items I have worn lots but feel someone else could now benefit from. If you would like to browse these items you can do so on my Depop page. I don’t accept swaps as I’m not looking to build my closet anymore but if you have something you feel I may be interested in I’m always willing to take a look.

 D E P O P // LITTLE KG

  Feel free to check out the rest of my features and my music blog LITTLEBEARWOLF. I’ll be sharing my adventures here as I live each day and keep focusing on the happy things. I was down for a long time until I overhauled my life to feel happy with my choices. I know it will be a while yet until I am where I want to be but I know that I’m moving towards that and I’m happier now.

LOVE&PEACE

♥ ☮

LITTLEBEARWOLFCOVE
KG

Images / content belong to their respective owners. 
LITTLEBEARWOLFCOVE © - Krystal Gemma

☾ ♬ D R A G O N B O R N ♬ ☾

With heaven in her eyes, she looked to the moon;
there in the light of the night, under a million shining stars,
she found her spirit;
strength of a bear, power of the wolf, fierce like the dragon;
as untameable as the sea, as peaceful as the forest,
with a heart of passion, she became as unaging as time.
- LITTLEBEARWOLF

Aloha friends,

  Please, make yourself comfortable and read on, I have a very different kind of post for you tonight. The last I posted was of my grandad's passing. Family illness and stress surround me, work is heavier than ever before and I find myself lost in a thousand memories, thoughts and places tonight.

I would like to make a point here too, that I am not overly religious, the theme of this post is purely personal, of which I've decided to share with my readers, as from all corners of the globe, I find some of my readers to be my most trusted friends.

These posts I'm calling 'Dragonborn' (a love for Skyrim inspired the name for these posts) are personal features that if I were to keep a diary would go in there, but they'll not help anyone written in a hidden notebook. I hope by sharing them, that maybe they may provide some light or inspiration for someone else. They are my personal journey through life, my way of dealing with the things that trouble me.

  So I decided to write.

  Music is beautiful, if you've come from my music blog than you'll know that it's been my biggest passion for almost all of my life. I find in life, music and walking help me most, when I need to focus my mind, align my thoughts. I've come to realise a specific genre of music, comforts and guides my thoughts in these times, so tonight I write something of a particularly personal nature.

  I guess to generalise, the music in which I speak of would be categorised under soundtrack/world, in Celtic, Adventure, Fantasy. It got me thinking though, how one type of music could bring me so much peace and harmony while others find a completely different genre of music to have that same effect for them.

 Before I get on with the post, I should explain, how i've ended up here, writing, tonight. It was my grandad's funeral last week, Thursday. Almost a week ago, yet I'm finding it harder to move on now, than before the funeral. I find myself feeling immensly tearful and emotional at random times, with no prior explanation. I realised after some thought, that it's the permanance of death that makes me sad. It's not a fear, not as such. I don't fear where the dead go, when you see the peace in their face, I can't imagine them to be suffering, nor believe it. It's just the realisation that, that person is in fact gone.

When my grandma passed away, I was a lot younger. I was taken to the chapel of rest to see her, I was perhaps a little too young to understand death. I knew the concept but could have had no understanding of the emotion and overwhelming feelings that come with it.

I kissed her forehead and it was the coldest thing i'd ever and have to this day ever felt. With that ice, something burned into my mind that day that even now I find hard to think about. She was gone. Her whole spirit was gone, she was no longer on whatever planet, plane or spiritual world I belonged to.

When I travelled back home for my grandads funeral, I was surprised by how many people he had had an effect on, of how much his life was celebrated. I realised also, I have more of him in me than I had previously known.

From the experience of grandma, I couldn't see grandad. I didn't want to feel him that cold, I needed to remember him full of life and laughing, which I do. Yet as the service came to a close and the coffin was picked up, I couldn't help but feel a desperate scream inside of myself. As they lowered him into his place of rest, I felt as though I wanted to scream, to shatter the beautiful peace in the summer sky and green field that day. How could he be gone, he was so strong. He was old and had lived a long and loving life. It's not just him, it's all people, just how can we, anyone be so gone.

I don't know what I believe of ghosts and such, certainly not on a level that I'm willing to write about here, but one thing I feel is that he is still with his family in all of us, but when I think of him lying there, I am filled with so much sadness, it sends me to tears and a total feeling of loss.

While I am finding ways to come to terms with and find strength to overcome those feelings, I throw myself into my thoughts. Into the bands I work with, into my projects. Into anything that makes me feel full of life, anything that deters from fleeting moments of desperation.

As I listen to various compositions of Celtic music and epic themes, I begin to realise that something in that music, draws my attention and makes me feel focused and calm. I turn it up a little louder and close my eyes. It reminds me of home, it reminds me of the books I was read, of the music I was played. Of the stories I was told and it reminds me of my family and my roots.

I realise it reminds me of the man who gave my entire family life, it reminds me of Grandad. In that I find an overwhelming feeling of joy. I realise that my family, my heritage, these give me strength. The fantasy and adventure themes give me an escape to focus on something that might just contain enough magic to stop me feeling so low.

With that, I'm not ashamed to be a bit of a hippy, a bit wild, a bit away with the fairies, because you know what, dragons, unicorns, castles, rolling hills, celtic tales, ancient histories, civilisations, music, my heritage and astrology provide me with that magic, the magic you need to break through your darkest rainclouds and provide you with even just a moment of solace and a breath of air.

As I sat in that church, the sun streaming through the stained-glass windows, I felt a lump in my throat as I sat in this building that was hundreds of years old and minus a few modern gadgets had remained as such since it was built. Something beautiful, powerful and that I didn't understand filled my mind. I let out a few tears and a cough, the only way I could clear my throat enough to keep breathing. I don't know what it is about churches that make me feel like that, but I couldn't help imagining it being built, the people building it, the people who have sat in it, throughout the Victorian times, the wars and now me. All those faces and souls gone, disappeared from our world and known only to time, history and from those who have memory of them. 

I don't know what the future holds for me, I don't know what will become of KG or the people she knows and loves. All I can do is focus my time and energy on being and sharing as much as I can with the people I love, I work with and I meet.

I'll use the inspiration I find, I'll hold the memories close. I'll believe in all the magic and mystery I can to create as much as I can in the time I have. I'll fight with passion and give my energy to everything I do.

For now I have all the weapons I need, I will fight.

LOVE&PEACE

♥ ☮

LITTLEBEARWOLF
KG

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