It's 4:54am on Monday morning. My eyes are a little sore and my ear and jaw ache, I find myself awake at this un-Earthly time. The rest of the world seems to be asleep, blissfully dreaming, while I wake with the storm that rages ever on.
Like the thoughts that formed my dreams this evening gone, the rolling thunder and flashes of light tormented my sleepless soul until I found myself here; writing from the dim but pleasant lights that surround my window and walls.
While I listen to Tchaikovsky and wonder whether he ever dreamed that years later people would come to him on their sleepless nights, hoping that in some way the notes of his symphony would calm their minds and steady their thoughts.
I smell the lightly fragranced air from the incense that burns on my bedside table and I sit here writing, my fingers like miniature ballet dancers, dancing their way across the keys as if every note of the music is a choreographed step in their routine.
I feel peaceful, I try to not think of the day that will shortly be upon me and instead focus on the soft notes of the music while I chomp on breakfast biscuits and I realise that all my dreams this past night were simply fear formulating in my mind and catching me at my most vulnerable.
Dreams are interpreted differently by many and while I tend not to think of their meanings too much or wonder whether they are in fact just subconscious rumblings from a deeper mindset; I do find myself a victim of my own sleep pattern. Occasionally these dreams appear and they are more half dreams, I can't really see them, it's not like a dream where I am awake in another time or place, i'm very much aware of the fact I am in my bed and I am resting when these scenes befall me.
Tonight's was a recurring theme, of being left alone.
That as if for some reason out of nowhere my family, friends and boyfriend may abandon me and I will find myself forever alone, except that isn't really something to be afraid of. For if that were to happen for whatever reason, you'd go on to make new friends, even if that wasn't immediate, being in your own skin by yourself is not necessarily a bad thing.
Obviously as social creatures we can become quite disconnected from society if we are exposed to too much time alone, a little time alone, I think that's healthy.
I am someone who doesn't often like being alone with her thoughts, recently I have found myself in a position where I am alone quite often. I work alone, though with others more often than not my work is done by myself.
Working a couple of different jobs that though all align under one state of career means I have irregular hours which is fine for me as I find working my own hours is well suited for a girl who has always danced to the beat of her own drum.
It does however make spending time with any friends local enough to meet in person difficult, it has resulted in the majority of my friendships existing online and in occasional get together's, again this is only more noticeable for the fact that I spend the majority of my week on my own.
My best friend and I both work in creative industries so time is not something we often find on our side, we spend days apart, long nights when you are lonely and miss your best friend. We make time for each other and there are times when that is a very simple process and times when it inevitably causes friction; it's those times when we just have to be understanding of one another and look past whatever fleeting feelings of worry or temptation there may be.
We live in a world with a society that is more connected than ever, like invisible cords that keep us permanently attached to the matrix, yet sometimes I wonder whether it would be better to sever those cords and stop this machine from bleeding us dry of any life or real connection.
Working in online industries has given me a true value for real life connections and relationships. This is where I find myself battling my own demons.
With a lifestyle that has resulted in fleeting coffee meets, online friendships with friends who now live all over the globe since leaving college, uni and finding their own pieces of happiness, I do find myself sometimes feeling a little detached from the rest of my generation and humanity.
While this alone time I find myself in does bring out my fear of being alone, it also has given me time to enjoy my own company, to not feel the need to be with someone at all times, to understand more in life, learn more, feel more and think more.
So I would say to you, whatever time it is where you are, wherever you find yourself at this present moment in which you are reading this post. You are not alone, even if you feel completely alone, you are not. There is a whole world of people out here, many of us feeling much the same way.
So go out, go to a bar, go to a restaurant, have coffee by yourself, read a book, learn a language, follow whatever strikes your heart with a burning passion of fire, I find the longer I am in my own time, I am less afraid of being alone and more determined not to end up alone.
I appreciate my personal time and know the importance of having companionship in life, if the people in your immediate life cannot be with you, then seek outside of your circle, connect with others with a similar interest, because if my faith in humanity could ever be restored, it is that I have come to find that in our greatest times of need, it is often the people we would never expect that bring us the greatest amount of joy.
From one sleepless soul to whoever you are, wherever you are, take today with the might of a dragon, soar above the clouds and let nothing stand in your way.
LOVE&PEACE
KG
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