What happens after happily ever after

From as young as I can remember people were always saying to me; 'What do you want to do when you grow up', 'What are your dreams?' and 'What do you want to do in life?', I don't know why asking a child those questions will achieve absolutely anything at all. I didn't understand what being a grown up meant, hell I'm 26 and I still don't understand the meaning of life!

The thing is we change, we grow, it's completely natural to become and entirely different person to the person you thought you'd be when you were six or seven. We grow and experience life at different rates, from different perspectives and while one persons dream may be to travel the world, another person may dream of settling down and having a family. Maybe some people only dream that they could see a loved one again for even just a day or perhaps they dream that they would like to just smile even once at the reflection staring back at them in the mirror.

Dreams aren't a competition, a race, there's no bar to measure up to, we're given a very limited amount of time to live, all that time is borrowed, so whatever you dream, just begin it. Who care's if it's not perfect, at least once it's started you've taken the first steps towards achieving it.

What happens when you hit the point of happily ever after, we aren't characters that cease to be once the final page in that chapter has been turned, we go to sleep and upon us from nowhere dawns a new day. I was told that once you achieve your dreams, you can make new dreams, but actually that's not as simple as it sounds.

Two and a half years ago I quite a full time job, left a comfortable relationship, moved back in with my parents, stopped socializing with the people I had been calling friends for years and one late night after Googling 'what is the point of life' I happened across Blogger. I was familiar with blogs and had wanted to start one for some time but had no real idea on where to begin with it all, it didn't even have a name.

I just began to write, I wrote about music. I wrote a post that led to another and another until before I knew it, that seemingly irresponsible set of previous choices had led me to a life of passion, I had a new direction, I had a new boyfriend and I had a new perspective.

I happened across a piece of paper in which I had written a list of the things I wanted to achieve and was surprised that I had ticked each thing off, the final one being moving out again.

Except I felt this unnerving feeling in the back of my mind, it would be strongest at night or when I was alone and before I knew it I felt as miserable as I had when everything was placid. I had achieved my dreams, I was happy, things were 'perfect', how could it be wrong? Was I just destined to end up in a never ending cycle of tiring of life, tearing things apart and starting over?
No. You'll be relieved to hear that was not my destiny.

I just had gotten everything I could out of the job I was doing, I needed variety and I needed to be motivated and inspired.
With that I began to look for a new job, it wasn't instant, in fact it took me almost a month, I finally came to the role. Within travel I find myself venturing now and both my wanderlust heart and my motivation have received the variety they needed.

It's been a transitional phase where I've gone from high to low and back again, except now I'm starting to feel like me, more like me than I've ever felt.
As with all transitional phases things can seep into the other aspects of ones being. My blogs have suffered, I grew weary of writing posts because I had to, I wanted to write again because it was something I loved to do, the last 24 hours has been the first time this year that i've truly put my heart into what I am writing, to the thoughts that are becoming words on the screen.

Things are changing, both blogs, how I feel and what inspires me, I am merely becoming the next version of myself and while I am not sure who that person entirely is, I do feel good for making the choices I did in the past month and putting myself first for a while.

It wasn't instant but new dreams are starting to form and while I have my previous list all ticked, I am working hard to maintain the aspects that bring me true happiness.
My words to you, this Sunday would be don't worry if you don't completely know what it is your after, because you know what, just enjoy the day that's in front of you. The answers will appear when you least expect them.

For me, the things I thought I wanted at 16 are a world away from the things I actually feel passionate about now.

I don't have a point by point plan of my next chapter but I know today that is has begun and that this chapter is me, the things I'm going to do and the people I'm going to spend my time with.
It isn't what I thought or dreamed it was going to be, but you know what I actually prefer that. It's more real.

I like that I don't know exactly what's going to happen because it also means that anything is possible.

Love passionately, Travel often, Dream big, Live honestly

LOVE&PEACE

KG

A NOTE ABOUT LOVE

Spring is my favourite time of year, everything is blooming, the world is greener, prettier and more alive than the cold winter nights it has been used to. I was born in Spring and always feel more rejuvenated and inspired in those waking days, as though the long summer days to come will bring with them all my dreams, as though anything and everything is possible.

This spring in particular sees me celebrate meeting and sharing my life with my best friend for two years, a lot of our friends are getting married, engaged and starting to make lifelong commitments to each other, with my calendar full of save the dates, I began to wonder about what saying yes to someone for the rest of your life might feel like.

I'm definitely on the fence when it comes to marriage, my parents have been happily married for almost thirty years, I certainly love the idea of giving my whole self to 'the one' and in return knowing they too are giving me themselves.

I like to think that one day I might share that with someone, I definitely feel in love enough to make that commitment, but will I feel that way for the rest of my life? I'm not the same person I was five years ago, I'm not the same person I was two years ago, so how am I supposed to know that the person I am in love with now, will be the person I will be in love with in half my lifetime again? 

I'm not being incredibly insensitive here, I would ask that of him, how he knows that I am the person he will love in half his lifetime to come. People say 'you just know'. So I was led to believe that if I didn't just know, that it meant it wasn't meant to be? No. I have no idea who I'll be in twenty years time, I have no idea who I'll be in two years time, but when I think about life and sharing it, because to me, sharing my life with my best friend is important, I know that not sharing my life with that person is not an option.

I'm left with this resonating feeling, that feels like a true bond, that isn't all definitely's, just like when we first me we didn't know that we would end up here. That resonating sound is happiness, it's the knowing that I do want that person in my life and that right now yes I would make that commitment to them.

Just like that I feel as though I've become an adult. I'm willing to give half of my life to someone else. It doesn't mean I have too. 

So if you're like me and surrounded by a world of brides and weddings, it doesn't mean you're in any kind of rush, I'm a real believer that when the moment is right, life happens. That when you search for it, it becomes ever more hidden. 

So my answer yes I love my best friend with the light of the moon, I would protect him with the burning passion of a thousand suns, but that doesn't mean I have to stop living, stop breathing. For the first time in my life, I feel like a woman, I feel free and as though everything I've ever dreamed could be possible, I know in my heart right now, that though I want to share my life with him, I also don't want to give up on myself.

That's where I realized something very spectacular, that my best friend, doesn't make me feel like I'm giving up on myself, he's often the one behind me as I stare over the cliff-edge willing me to take the dive to the ocean below. When I leap and I hit the rocks, he carries me, he builds my strength up until I'm strong enough to take the leap again.

If you make someone your everything, you stand to lose it all, but if you balance it right, you can have it all.

He makes me feel like I am home, it's all very well being off round the globe, but you have to come back to somewhere. Shouldn't that somewhere feel like home?

I don't know where I will be two years from now, but I hope that he will still be part of it, sharing in my adventure and I in his.

The same goes for friendship, something that put me off marriage, was the hens. The hen party, the bridesmaids. I don't have a big group of female friends, in fact I have very few female friends. I tend to find that I get along better with guys, their girlfriends make up the majority of my female companions.

Every now and then I meet a girl and we click, it's beautiful, but we're so like-minded that she ends up back on the road and I'm lucky if I see her once a year. So I have a wonderful online connection to my closest girl friends, but they reach the farthest corners of the globe. 

I wondered 'wait, I can't get proposed to, I don't have any bridesmaids' that's a total lie, I could call upon the best girls in the world, right now bridesmaids and proposals are on my thoughts, because I only have to log on to social media to be reminded of it, but actually I feel as though I'm running towards the highest cliff top I'll ever leap from and were there a gold ring around my finger, I may be to heavy to even take the leap at all. I wasn't looking for love when I found it, when we are quiet with our words and minds, the heart can truly speak.

WANDERLUST KING

I was walking a couple of mornings ago, the cold fresh morning air cut through me like ice shards and as I watched my breath appear like dragon smoke around me, I looked up to the sky to see a perfectly formed plane cloud trail; frozen still, as if it had been imprinted perfectly in the sky at that exact moment I looked up, for the exact purpose that it would begin a thought process that would last the rest of the day.

I started to think, that perhaps the world rolled out around me as I went around my business, that perhaps the moment I left a room, that room ceased to be. Except we all know this is isn't so, because for every moment that I live and breath some one else is living and breathing the same air I do, staring at the same sky and wondering the same things as I.

I've always felt an affinity to the Earth, I grew up surrounded by rolling hills, rivers and streams that flowed freely through the land, even now I live by the ocean and find perfect peace from just staring out to the far reaches of the globe from the shore, even on the grayest of days.

I began to look at the cloud trail in the sky that had already begun to dissolve into nothing, in an hours time there would be no trace it had ever even existed, except I knew it had. 

Of course that plane wasn't flying that route for my benefit, but I had witnessed it, I considered all the people aboard that plane, where they may be travelling to, or from. Just like that, it hit me as though a shard of ice had pierced right through my heart, I wanted to be on that plane, not just that plane, any plane, a boat, hell even a train, just to feel the earth moving beneath me, to be on the road.

Wanderlust had struck. I've never been one to sit still, I move a lot, I've come to feel as though the road is my true home, Malvern the place I was born will always be where I call home, but I find with each passing year that it feels like a memory from a past life. When I tread on it's concrete it feels like I'm walking through old photographs, that's more or less what every place feels like to me. 

Home tends to be where I'm living at the moment, home is my friends, my family, the things that bring me peace, comfort and excitement.

I've had more jobs than most of the people I went to college with, I've walked more steps than I care to remember and I feel as though I've lived three lifetimes or more. People call it irresponsible, a defect for having no desire to settle down, but it's in my heart, that I couldn't be in one place for all time because each passing day is all I have, there's so much to see, to experience, to learn.

After all, the countries though separated by oceans are all joined to make one planet, the people though many strangers, are joined by life force as one community, so I see the Earth as my home, the road as my compass. The sun is my breath, the moon is my spirit.

With every day, month and year that I gather in my journal, I feel like a wine that tastes sweeter with age, I feel as though I'm getting better with age, I was so unsure of the world a few years ago, I was so scared to make any real leaps into the blue, these days it's almost a hidden driving force, I have no real plans for the future, I have an idea of the things I'd like to do, but mostly I'm just going to keep dancing to the beat of my own drum.

The way I see it, what people think of me, shouldn't bother me, it shouldn't sway me, it shouldn't stop me. I'm simply a tiny ball of energy, spinning on one hell of a ball of energy that's spinning so fast it appears still, that's spinning through the solar system, that's expanding through the universe and those things are incredibly huge, and I am incredibly tiny in comparison, but no less real.

I wanted passion, so I chased it, I wanted comfort so I chased it, I want to live, so I'm chasing it.

However you look at life, whoever you have in life, I urge you to close your eyes, clear your mind and picture living, what does it look like?

If it doesn't look like what's around you when you open your eyes, then my advice would be really open your eyes to see what's around you, maybe not immediately, but what's beyond the walls, beyond the town limits, beyond the fields, hills and oceans, what makes your heart thump, what takes your breath away, what makes your spirit happy?

LOVE & PEACE

She's back & she's bringing hell

Imagine a bustling market street, there are stalls lined with colourful vegetables, cakes, a man stands behind a stall of pic'n'mix olives; the street is alive with the sound of chatter, people milling in sections up and down the street, discussing the day, the weather. Notice a girl, she's wearing a trench coat, holding an umbrella up as the rain gently trickles down from the clouds. As people gather under the stalls for cover, she continues to walk through the street, she's got a curious look on her face, as if she's pondering something much deeper than the direction in which she's travelling. She looks smart, her attire is in good condition, her hair is clean and styled, she looks as though she's had a healthy life, she's wearing sparkly jewellery and a lipstick that's bright. As her eye catches yours upon passing, you notice this scene is not what it seems.

Her eyes, they sparkled in the light, but there was a melancholy to them, a story, one you'll probably not be invited to hear, but it's the story that reads out continuously to her.

It threatened to destroy Fantasia, 'the nothing' takes many forms, for this story, we'll call her D.

The girl in the market is me, or at least the character I'm going to become to tell you my story.

I'm filled with uncertainty as I tell you this tale, the fear of not telling it, means certain victory for D.

So here I stand, rain is pouring down and I notice I'm no longer stood in the bustling street, but in the vast expanse of the valley, it's dark, the only light comes from the thousand strong torches that march ever on towards me. The drops of rain splatter onto my armor, there's a cold chill in the air and I grasp my bow, arrow held at the ready. I'm going to die tonight is all I can think, but I have the weapons, all I need do is fight.

I don't remember when I first met D, I'm sure hidden away in a buried deep memory that moment exists, but right now I've no recollection of it. Too many stories, chapters, characters, events and plots have played out for me to be able to place that one for now.

I remember only this, she came in the dark of night, she held my hand when I was alone, she was a faceless whisper that began to haunt my dreams.

Her digs and comments were at first brushed off my smartly worn clothes, she began to eat through the fabrics until her venom burnt my skin. 

I was afraid by this point, but who could I tell, I would only be judged, ridiculed, misunderstood.

So I let her stay, there in the shadow she fed, she grew, until one day as I looked in the mirror, I no longer recognized the girl looking back at me. She was harsher, worn by life, she looked sad and lacking in confidence, passion and spirit. As she stared me down, I felt as though I'd been lost, for years in the wilderness, and by some strange moment of fate, I'd stumbled across my own reflection. Realizing that if I couldn't wake from this dream, it might hold me forever captive.

I came to the horrendous conclusion D was not a faceless whisper, I was her, I was D.

Except I wasn't D, for she is the true temptress, the devil in disguise.

She had cast her enchantment and I had been ensnared by it.

She looked like me, but she wasn't me.

The chill in the air grew stronger and as the army of snarling orcs moved in toward us, I held strong and pulled my arm back, as I released the arrow it shot through the air, graceful like a ballerina but steady like a bullet and caught him or it right between the eyes, he fell to the ground, the few around him moved back a step. 

The howls of the fear reaper's shrieked across the battlefield, I dug my feet down in position and pulled forward my sword.

They're but demons and I am the wizard, the elf, the king whoever I dream of being I am, for I am truly the shape-shifter. I will not be killed here tonight by these demons.

The sound of the street was like an orchestra of noise, stall men yelled their daily offers, old ladies chatter about the spitting rain clung to my ears like the very drops of rain on my favourite trench coat, I was making my way swiftly through market street headed for home, home I wondered, where even is that. Is it the town in which I was born? Is it the city in which I studied? Is it the town in which I live with the man I love? Or perhaps it's the far off shores where my dreams stay blissfully moored while I struggle in the maelstrom to reach them.

I caught my reflection in a window, I am truly lost.

My armor was splattered with blood, only some of my own, I could hear my breaths shorten as I wheezed, the pain in my chest where the Orcish dagger had pierced my armor began to sting as the rain began to clear. The stench of death clung to the air, as I lay there motionless I knew I was victorious. She'd taken her true form as a fear reaper but D was gone, not destroyed but wounded enough for now to keep her back in the territories outside of my immediate kingdom. 

I may not have been able to protect my allies but I had made it through the night, as the sun dawned on the East, I took my last shallow breath.

I rushed into the coffee house out of the pouring rain, my breaths short from running the length of the street, as I closed my umbrella and took off my coat, the barista brought me a cinnamon latte. I'd never much liked Cinnamon as a child but these days I found it to be a particular favourite, along with hazelnut, ginger and pumpkin. I glazed around me, the strangers drinking their coffees and chatting away had no idea who I was, most of them seemed so involved in their moments that they wouldn't have known I even existed. Except I did and I do. 

While I may not always have sunshine's and rainbows, I have the weapons I need to fight. Sometimes we are knocked back by our demons, but with a fell swoop of our swords we are able to knock them back too. 

I don't know if I will ever truly rid D from my life but tonight with the help from my allies, I was able to fight in battle. The war may not be over but tonight I will drink to my friends, my passions and my life, for it may not be glorious or the tale you tell your children, but it is my tale and mine alone to tell.

I find the comfort of loved ones, the study of interests and the comforts of restoration become my weapons for battle when I am weak, when D threatens to consume me. Lately those studies have come to include fighting off the triggers that awaken D. Deep thought, dreams and my compass to navigate this globe of life often bring me dangerously close to awakening her slumber, but facing the fear-reapers I hope is the way to defeat them for good.

I am a word-smith at heart and my words are the blows from my weapons I will unleash to keep the fear-reapers at bay.

Sweet Dreams, 

Aces Kage

Word-smith, Story Weaver, Dragonborn, Hell bringer.

MAKING CHANGES

It's the night before the night before Christmas and the wind is howling outside my newly acquired apartment; I am in a contemplative mood. For Rob and I moved out almost a month ago now, him from a shared place and me from hotel mum and dad. 

Don't get me wrong, I loved living at home, I just, well like many people in their mid-twenties I just really needed a space of my own. 

There's been some advantages (me-space, staying up and doing what I like) and disadvantages (I've never cleaned so much, washed up so much stuff) and some entirely new experiences (I never thought I'd care if the rug was slightly as quiff!) Generally I feel happy, I feel peaceful. It has got me thinking about my lifestyle in general. At college I lived with what I had, at uni I spent lots a lot of the time, now I live to my means, which are by no means great or vast. 

I get by.

Recently I've found pleasures in making things, recycling things and being generally more eco-friendly.

No this is isn't a rant of a post, I'm not going to tell you how you should live. This is just me personally. I've never been one for wanting of riches, mansions and expensive cars. I'd rather live in a tree house and watch the stars every night, eating wild berries and wander round barefoot.

Maybe one day I will.

Generally running water, heating and somewhere to keep food fresh are also important on my living needs; so we found ourselves a beautiful two bedroom apartment. It's perfect for the two of us and seeing as that's how we intend our lives to stay for a while (at least) it feels like the perfect little home. 

I wanted a first floor place as I like to feel close to the stars. Rob wanted a garden to spend time in, in the summer. If you'd told me two months ago we'd have found our perfect place with both of those things checked, I'd not have believed you.

It's close to the near town and only a ferry trip from the nearest city. 

I decided that this little space, it's perfect for a variety of reasons. It's small so I don't feel lost in a huge space I'll never use. It's affordable for living and heating and it doesn't take me an entire day to clean it. (Despite the fact I've developed a need to constantly clean.)

I wanted to go further than not having too much space, than keeping utilities low (ish), I wanted to create a cosy, comfortable, welcoming home whilst remaining economically friendly.

I've taken to recycling glass jars and using them for flower pots, candle holders, potpourri holders, utensil holders and general storage of foods.

We've been lucky to be given pre-loved blankets, pillows, cushions and throws, it's only awakened the pleasure of treasure hunting in thrift/charity stores. 

I've decided for 2015 I'm going to post about my DIY/ Recycling moments, my treasure hunts and my little home. It's my way of actively pursuing a more eco-friendly lifestyle. Since we've been  recycling goods, we've used less rubbish, we've not bought much stuff at all and it feels like the start of a wonderful adventure. 

One of my resolutions for 2015 is to purchase only things of need new, everything else shall be pre-loved, recycled, thrifted or handmade. I aim to support local business', independent business' and create as much myself as I can.

I'm also on the lookout for ideas and inspiration, do you live to only your means? Do you have great tips for recycling, thrifting or even creating things for you and your home? Perhaps you know of a blogger or someone who does; feel free to leave a comment with their or your link. I'm certainly keen to chat more about this with like minded people. 

LOVE & PEACE

KG

LITTLEBEARWOLFCOVE

LIFE THOUGHTS ONE

If you make something your everything you stand to lose everything, if you make nothing your everything, you'll never experience it either. It is better to have loved and lost than to have never have loved at all. When you reach the end of your journey, it won't be the things you did do, you will regret, it will only be the ones you didn't.

You've probably heard sentiments similar to those before, maybe people have even said them to you. It doesn't automatically change your mind, your feelings towards that thing or make you feel better. We live in a world where it's on one hand never been easier to succeed at your dreams, on the other hand, it's never been such a struggle. 

There are more people on the Earth than there ever were before. For every thing you think, do or feel there are 10,000 people at least, thinking, doing and wondering the same thing. Yet we are all still completely different, completely independent of one another. Despite the fact that at the end of the day, we are all made of the same thing, regardless of gender, age, class, race and size.

Isn't that amazing?

I've learnt a lot about myself this year, I've learnt a great deal about people, yet what is 365 days of life compared to the utter billions this world has already endured. Oddly enough, that provides me with comfort. I feel like a wizard of knowledge compared to when I was 16, yet imagine the things I will have seen and learnt in another decade. I feel like a good wine, I don't worry about getting old, I embrace it. In fact I'd even go as far to say I'm getting better with age. (Put down those pitchforks, I'm not being arrogant, I don't mean look at me, I mean from me looking out at the world.)

I've never been as old as I am right now, I'll never be this young again. Time is all I have so I may as well use it as best I can. The only time I have is now.

I've learnt that friendship is tangible. Even the longest of friendships can sink in a single storm. Some friendships will ride out into the eye of the storm by your side. 

I've mourned broken friendships in the past, you should not mourn the development of yourself or others. People grow, physically and spiritually and that is not something we can control. Whether on your part or another, there will be times, when people move from your life as you do theirs, I now try to face those moments with dignity, grace and understanding.

If you judge people you have no time to love them. 

All that you have to do, is decide what to do with the time that has been given to you.
Not all those who wander are lost.

I've learnt a lot in a short amount of time, yet I still have much to learn. There are times I feel strong enough to hold up the world and others when I seek strength from it.

As I look to the dawn of 2015, I know these things - I am stronger now than I was a year ago. I feel fear, love, sadness, happiness, the same as others, I can't always control those feelings, I do have a choice on how I may react to them, to life. 

Living is hard, life is ongoing. There are no happy ever after's and though we are all banded here together, we all walk alone. Even those we feel the closest of affinities too, we drift from at times. 

That should not be a sad thought, being alone used to terrify me. I've spent much time alone in recent years and although I value the companionship of others, in fact go as far to say it is necessary for not slipping completely out of touch with life, I also relish my own time. Taking steps on my own, spending time on my own, being in the company of only myself, no longer terrifies me. 

While there is not a moment to lose, sometimes admiring the journey thus far, is the only way to move forward in life. 

The next year is full of up's and downs, new friends, old friends, new places, familiar places, it's one part of the next chapter in the never ending story of life.

LOVE & PEACE

KG

LITTLEBEARWOLFCOVE

LET IT BURN

  Sometimes it takes your saddest, longest or hardest day to date to make you realise just who you are and what you are going to do with the time that has been given to you.

  For me it was a series of small incidents and challenges that led me to today. To realising that beyond all else, it is my time, and only I can truly affect what happens with it.

The fire in my heart burns stronger than ever before and I do not see aging as something of a weakness. I have lived a mere twenty-six years, that is but a blink to the universe and I am but a speck of dust to the cosmos, but that is not going to stop me from living the greatest adventure I have ever embarked upon - to live.

  We become so involved within our box that we lose all hope and sight of anything that is not ultimately graspable in the present moment. We focus all our aspirations and dreams on something that is always yet to happen, while we let the moments of now, the only ones we have the impact to change, slip us by.

  I too did this, almost two years ago I started a blog, it changed my entire direction and outlook on life. Suddenly the impossible did not seem so impossible. Yet like so many others, I recently found myself in a rut, not because I no longer enjoyed what I did, not because I wasn't passionate, simply because all of a sudden I was so focused on the future that I had begun to completely neglect the present, in order to not end up in the past. Yet my own actions led me to a fragile situation emotionally that was bringing me ever closer to the past. 

  I had to put the future out of my head, it was the only way to escape the past. The present is the only time I have to make any difference to my being, my adventure, my journey.

 I didn't know three years ago that I would be not working in retail management, I did not know a year ago that I would be living in my own place. I do not know what I will be doing or how I will be spending my time a year from now. So all I can really do is use the current moment and fire in my heart to further drive my passion and time in one direction.

 What do you want to be when you grow up? Alive. Free. Passionate. Happy. Peaceful. 

How do you want to be when you grow up? Compassionate, Personable. Creative. Innovative. Loved.

Who do you want to be when you grow up? An ever developing, exploring version of me.

  I do not want my career, way of life, personal life or choices to define who I am in one word or sentence; because it is together this cocktail of parts make up me as a person and I decide how to act, how to spend my time on what I do, where I do it and with whom I do it.

  Sometimes that fire that burns will dampen and it will require oxygen to help it breathe, it will require heat from others to warm it, mostly it will require fuel to keep it burning. 

  Humans are beautiful machines of science that before we even say a word or lift a finger have more than a hundred thousand actions happening at once, that we are neither aware of nor can we control. 

We live on a planet that spins at millions of miles a second around a burning ball of gas, where magic is created in movies, music & art, mountains rise above oceans and where in the darkness of night a billion trillions stars appear like fairy lights in a darkened room. 

Yet we focus so much of our energy on what we do, what we earn, where we live and how as a community and society we approach events, government and life. That we forget all of those beautiful things and become consumed by the 'real world' which is but a mere aspect of the world in which we exist.

I realise that my biggest struggle in my twenties has been coming to terms with the world we live in and the world in which we exist. How two components can be so far apart yet joined completely. Am I supposed to join the rat race and live comfortably or am I supposed to wander barefoot along the shores of freedom from humanity.

Can you ever truly exist and be part of both?

I decided that it is my time and I will do with it as I please. There is no written answers, no book, manuscript or government that has all the answers, that knows the truth, the answers to life.

It's like when you make a search on the web. 90% of the matches will be unhelpful to the answer, site or object you seek. Yet that 10% that you untangle from the web of responses will be what you're looking for. 

In life it is down to us to each retreat to our own mind palace and find the match we seek that will strike that kindling and start the fire. Untangle what you know to be false or unnecessary and keep only that which matters.

I know where I have been, I don't know where I will go, I know where I am.

Not all those who wander are lost. 

Do all that you can with the time that has been given to you.

Be fearless, compassionate and above all else refuse to give in to normality, conformity and a life that would suffocate you.

Those who provide me with inspiration are simply humans, humans that above all else are curious, extraordinary and refusing to accept that cards they are dealt will rule their life.

Living is the hardest thing you will have to do. It will also be the single greatest thing you ever do.

LOVE & PEACE

KG

LITTLEBEARWOLFCOVE

RUN TO THE HILLS

If you follow my Twitter account (@littlebearwolf ) you will have seen that I have been moving this week. Now I have moved a whole bunch of times in previous years, but never fully leaving my parents home, never with any degree of permanence.
So this move has been stressful like any other, with the added notion that this is with a degree of permanence. That the boyfriend I am moving in with, will be not only be the person I share the next year with but it will all be in our own space.

I am incredibly happy about that, sharing a space with the person I love most in this world is an incredible feeling. Knowing that my best friend will be there in the morning and in the evening. However this being the same year I also decided to take all of my work freelance and within the realm of the subjects in which I am passionate about.
That is sure enough, enough to make anyone queasy. You don't want to give up your work because you love it, you don't want to pass up living with the person that you love either.
So is it possible? To have a job you enjoy, a nice place to live and be comfortable? I guess that comes down to us each individually.

I've never been a millionaire or extremely wealthy so I don't really know what it's like to live in luxury constantly, I do know that growing up in a humble household has made me appreciate what I have. That with even very little you can be very comfortable.

Maybe my place of residence isn't exactly your idea of heaven but it's not you that has to live there. I've only been moved in two days but I feel already at home. It's not fully furnished, i'm not used to living away from my family, I've been feeling somewhat fragile. I realise it's the fear.

Over a year and a half ago was the last time I had anything that resembled a 'picturesque life' and I ended all those things to go in chase of something I was passionate about. Less than a year and a half later it has brought me close to my best friend in the entire world, it's brought me to my own living space with that person and it's brought me to not only working for a company that I completely believe in but also to have started my own company and be working on several projects.

It's been a roller-coaster and there have been some incredible ups and the lowest of low's. I've not seen my hardest day yet, I've not had my happiest. I've got one hell of a story to tell.
If you'd told me in Feb 2013 that in November 2014 my life would be what it is, I wouldn't have believed you.
Yet here we are.

I am strong in nature but there are things that scare me, that test me and that send me running in the opposite direction, yet I am still here. I haven't given in. I won't give in. Where I may have walked before, this is my passion, my drive and everything I want.

Be able to admit when you have made a mistake, look after yourself and the things that capture your heart. If you're struggling, ask for help. If you're tired take a break. Mostly appreciate that we are just cosmic dust spinning in the universe and if something ultimately is right, things will work themselves out, working yourself up will get you nowhere.

Life isn't perfect. We aren't perfect. Sometime we will fall. It's getting back up and walking again that helps to carry on.

My troubles seem pointless to a person starved of clean water or attacked for their orientation or gender. Yet they are important to me.
So remember you never know what other people are facing and you never know what anyone else is going through. So be a friend. Let people be your friend, don't face troubling times alone, it won't help you in the long run, if you have people around you who are willing to help. Let them.

As 2014 draws to a close, I have never felt like a more clear version of me. Even on the bad days. There are things to be improved, sure. There are things to work toward, sure. Generally I've never felt happier or more passionate about things.

My advice to you before the mad, panic and rush of Christmas begins, is take a moment to look at yourself, are you happy with what you have done with your time. Are you happy that you have given it your all?

2014 has been my most challenging year to date, it's also been my most exciting and happy. No one ever said life would be easy. It is what we make of it.

Take care of yourselves this winter and remember to take a moment to breathe.

I try to focus on the good in my life. The fact that I work for a studio I love, with people and musicians I admire, I have a best friend who stands by me no matter what and I get to now go home to him each night.

I no longer look to the hills that surround the town I grew up in, for this is my home now. This is where my journey is leading me.



KG
LITTLEBEARWOLFCOVE

Sun and stars, moon of my life

Is this not the time, is this not the place? Time is all you have

The phrase no man is an island has been on my mind a lot recently, I've been thinking today how strange and beautiful the world is. The truth is, it dulls out the noise of the things that trouble me; when I see pouring rain over the ocean, forests of trees with wild rivers and mountains that look like stairways to the sky, I feel calm.

There will come a day when the stars fall from heaven, all except seven, I'm seated on horse with my face toward Taurus and i'm travellin'

I've always danced to the beat of my own drum, I've never been one for too much convention or society. The older I get the more I feel as though I'm a nomad, no set home, simply chapters taken from an adventure, one at a time carefully placed before me to write.

Great spirit, I have had it, bring me back to the nomadic

A friend once said 'it's nice to have somewhere to come back to' and while that's true to an extent, I don't believe that it needs to be only one place. I grew up in a different place than I live now, I have moved away, I have moved back. More than one place feel like home to me. I've always sat on the outside of my friendships, as though I'm stumbling just a step behind the rest of my world, my generation. Like the words they understand don't always make sense to me.

He's got me talking in my sleep, he's got me waking in my dreams...

I've always been a wandering spirit, when the time feels right I move on. Except the older we get the harder that seems to be. We find ourselves committed with a group of friends and family and work that if we were to keep wondering we may lose forever. Yet there's always a part of me that's ready for the road, that if given the chance I would step out of that door and not turn back.

For a while that's had me feeling like a fraud, like i'm lying to everyone around me when I say i'm settled. Except it's not a lie. I am very settled, my life does feel settled and centered full of people that inspire me and are creative and like minded.

The only way I can describe it, is as though I have two lives; I have the career, friends, home life and I have the nomadic wanderer life, most of the time I am the first so it feels difficult when the latter starts making me feel like I want to pack my bag and make a break for it.

Wake the dreams into realities... the language of no words is how we speak...and a littlebear singin' by the fireside...

The truth is, that if you make someone or something your everything than you always stand to lose it, if you can accept that things never stay the same, they grow, they may develop or they may end than you feel less likely to lose everything. I've come to realise that the nomad is LITTLEBEARWOLF. It's that little voice that said, I dare you. Start a blog, write something, write anything. Take those things you love and make them real. It's the little part of me, that stops me feeling as though my world will fall apart. It's the little part of me that when everything else is dark, shines bright in the sky like the moon and calms my spirit.

Tap me out and tap me into you, heal my brain and my body too, balance my chemistry, hydrate these cells, because the body talks and meditation helps

It's part of me, so while no man is an island, not all those who wonder are lost.

When I have those times that feel as though I only want to be out there in the world somewhere walking through a city or a forest, I don't feel guilty. It's simply my own way of saying keep going, keep learning, keep exploring, it's not the end yet.

I've noticed that when I am happy and things are good, I don't so much feel as though I want to leave, it's when things are difficult and the road seems dark that I realise I want to be out there, over the hills anywhere but here. That's when I know it's more important than ever to think about where I am standing and what direction I am facing. That being said sometimes a good old wander is the only way to clear your thoughts.

Nahko and Medicine for the people are a tribe, a tribe that though I've never met them, I feel part of them. Their words, their songs and their lives bring me peace, bring me healing and bring me light. Today though it's been dark i've felt as though I've had a friend by my side, I realise that's medicine for the people.

Little bit of cinnamon pours as we snoot, all up on my shit in the morning commute...

Our planet is our home, it's our only home amongst the vast expanse of space. We make her sick, we bleed her dry, we smother her atmosphere with pollutants and we aren't much better towards even those closest to us. I've decided to free my wandering spirit, let her roam the world as she pleases. Medicine for the people is the healing I needed in my life and I hope through the universal language of music it will be yours.

Great spirit for my sisters, let me be a flowing river, flood the banks, the rocks that bind her, carry I'll carry, great spirit for my brothers, let me be a mountain under which he climbs to discover his process now that's progress.

LOVE&PEACE

KG

30 FACTS ABOUT KG

  I love connecting with each of you and sharing music, fashion and various posts with you. I try to keep my personal life, well personal, but I understand that some of my readers and followers would like to know more about the girl behind the blog; so i'm going to do the 30 facts about me tag, hopefully that will help you all get to know me a little better.

I'll try to make it interesting, hopefully there's 30 things I can tell you about myself!

Feel free to share your links with the tag in the comments, it would be nice to know more about the people reading my blog and fellow bloggers.

1. I was named after Krystle Carrington, a character from a TV show named Dynasty. It aired throughout the 80's and my mum loved the show. 

*I had a huuuge crush on Orlando Bloom as a teen and his teen crush was Krystle Carrington!

2. I am 26 but most people mistake me for between 19-22, I never get offended when i'm asked for ID - only when it is refused! 

3. I grew up in a small countryside town called Malvern, then spent my teens living in nearby Worcester. I went to high school there and still miss it, even though i've not lived there in years.

4. My birthday is May 7, though it should have been two weeks later, I was premature as my mum took a fall down a spiral staircase. Eek.

5. Ancient ruins, old forests and the Jurassic coast are some of my favourite places to escape to, I love the history and the fact they remain untouched despite it being the 21st century.

6. Vintage maps, old books, vintage clothes and old photographs are some of my favourite things to collect, I like to feel everything has it's own character and story. I currently own four vintage geographical maps, a map of Westeros, a map of Tamriel and i'm after a map of Middle Earth to complete my collection.

7. Oh yes, I am a bit of a geek when it comes to fantasy. I love Tolkien, Pratchett and fantasy-adventure novels. *Apparently Tolkien stayed in Malvern while he was writing The Hobbit and some of his inspiration of The Shire comes from there, the gas lamps inspired C.S Lewis while he was writing the Narnia stories. I love Tim Burton films, anything to do with dragons and playing Skyrim - that's often where I'll escape to when I need to hide from the world.

8. I normally play Skyrim as a Nord Warrior and have great interest in Scandinavia, it's folklore, history and Native American lore and history.

9. My passion for Native American lore is what inspired my blog name, when I needed guidance in my life and a direction to follow, I came to create LITTLEBEARWOLF, since then it has remained my way to connect with the world and build my career.

10. I have Blue eyes, but they often turn a shade of Grey when I am sleepy or poorly and a Greenish colour in the summer months. This has led to a longstanding joke that I am part-faerie or mythical creature with my friends.

11. I am 5ft 3 which makes me fairly little in terms of people. However Buffy the vampire slayer is apparently also only 5ft 3.

12. My hair is naturally Blonde, though through my teens I dyed it almost every colour it would go. I have it lightened to a white blonde shade using toners at the moment, though I am considering letting my darker blonde grow out.

13. I don't really care for shoes and bags. I own only a handful of pairs of shoes and even less handbags. Right now i'm loving faux-fur lined walking boots and winter boots as well as one giant handbag. *I do a lot of walking so tend to pick practical items over things that look pretty and I only purchase them when I really need them. The sound of a thousand retailers and bloggers readying their pitchforks...

14. I do have an obsession with jewellery and treasure. I never buy expensive jewellery as I'm far too likely to break or lose it, so I have gathered a collection of costume jewellery in a variety of style but mostly mythical / historical inspired pieces and I have a collection of herb bottles, little stones and candles.

15. I did ballet, contemporary, jazz, street jazz and tap dancing classes and Michael Flatley's The Lord Of The Dance is my favourite dance show EVER. Second is Matthew Bourne's Swan Lake.

16. I love to cook, my signature dishes are a vegetable linguini for summer and a vegetable stew for winter. I am indeed vegetarian. 

17. Whilst studying at college, I did a Shakespeare course in drama at RADA, London. 

18. I almost always get cast as sweethearts or damsels in distress. Apart from when I played the angel Gabriel in a school production back in 1992.

19. I absolutely love huskies and wolves. Especially the ones with piercing blue eyes.

20. After first watching Star Wars as a kid, I would only wear brown or beige clothes and was determined I would be a Jedi when I was older. As I grew up I decided I would be an astronaut and after realising science and math were not my strengths, I turned to my creative side to be an actor. I am yet to play an astronaut or a Jedi.

21. Though I mostly studied performing arts, music is my biggest passion. Other subjects that interest me are ancient history, astronomy and alternative therapies like crystal healing, yoga, herbology and meditation.

22. I should probably have gone to school at Hogwarts instead of Blessed Edwards.

23. People tell me I remind them of Luna Lovegood, Daenerys Targaryen and Amanda Seyfried. I also often get asked if I am Swedish or Norwegian and sometimes Polish, though I do have some Scandinavian in my heritage and apparently something odd like 1/127 Spanish.

24. I absolutely love Dinosaurs and Dragons.

25. I know all 50 states (and state capitals) of the US, despite never having actually been to the USA!

26. My favorite actors are Steve Buscemi, Bruce Willis & Tom Hanks. Oh and I have a minor crush on Kit Harrington.

27. No matter even if you make me a small cup of coffee or tea, I will always leave a little at the bottom of the cup. This has led to the nickname two-sips as apparently I only take two sips before leaving the rest.

28. I don't really like sweets, chocolate or dessert, I do love savory scones, tea cakes and carrot cake.

29. This ones going to get me shunned from the blogger community buuuut I really don't get the Disney princess thing. Don't get me wrong, I'll watch the movies, I actually grew up watching them and enjoy them, but I really don't get the 'totes obsessed with princesses thing'.

30. I used to carry a small framed poster of Elijah Wood around, I even took it on holiday to Devon with my parents, then cried when my mum said I couldn't bring it to lunch. Awkward.

So there you have it, 30 things you never knew about me before.

LOVE & PEACE
♥☮
KG

Images / content belong to their respective owners.

LITTLEBEARWOLFCOVE © Krystal Gemma.

KG IN REAL LIFE

Okay, so there are always going to be subjects that on the whole, humanity will always use as a battlefield. I vowed never to blog about image, politics and social issues as it goes without saying that if you breathe life into a fire, it will only become stronger. I feel no need to add to the issues humanity creates for itself.
However, that being said I am breaking that vow tonight to share a post that has been whirring around my brain for the last few days. To the point that the thoughts have become so prominent and tangled amongst my being, that even the choices i'm making outside of the web-world I live in are being affected.

The subjects that have been on my mind touch on image and social issues. I don't know quite what everyone's deal with image is. How is focusing on someone else's image ever going to advance your own life. When you judge a person, it is not a reflection of their personality, but of your own.

So I'm not going to name call, name drop or stereotype. I'm simply going to share my opinion of the subject, in the vain hope that getting it off my chest will free my thoughts up to the subjects I actually feel extremely passionate towards and may at least help just one of you out of the dark.

I'm fairly little at 5'3. After a childhood of dancing, I have grown to develop a muscular, athletic build. After a childhood of being called bony, when I started to show a little curve in my late teens, I found a confidence boost. I used to look through catalogs and want to be a size 12, except these days I realise how futile that was, as what even is a size 12.
As no store, or even two items within a store represent a consistent sizing system, to refer to yourself as a particular size seems fairly ridiculous. Considering we live in a world where we want to be accepted regardless of race, gender, persuasion, look and career, to be so desperate to be defined as a number seems very odd.
I have clothes in my closet that range from age 14-15 through women's to a men's M. So if you'd like to waste your time working out what size that makes me, go ahead but I feel no need to converse or spare you my time.
My weight generally fluctuates over a stone difference depending on time of year, mood and phase of life and again if you're so desperate to judge me on my number than please understand I'll have nothing to do with you. For when you judge someone, you have no time to love them.
I'm very sorry if weight takes over your life and you feel trapped with the on-going battle you face, I've spent my life around someone with an eating disorder and I would never wish the suffering she struggles with on anyone. I hope that those around you, provide you with the support you need.
I bet you're beautiful, but my saying it won't make you feel it.
The same goes the other way, if you have curves and more as long as it's not detrimental to your health, who gives a flying f*** what 'people' think. As long as you're comfortable and feel good, than that's really all that matters.
I have times when I feel great and times when I think 'okay need to be a bit careful and look after myself now', but ultimately I don't regard anyone's opinion but my own of my image. At the end of the day, no one else needs to be me, if you're having to figure out my flaws to improve your own confidence, honey something's fundamentally wrong.
Gok Wan (who may I add that a (and if you're reading this by some magic enchantment Gok, I totally respect you and highly revere what you do for the confidence of womankind but you are a) man and if we really need a man to show us how to love our bodies, something really is very wrong with us females. We go on about not needing no man, being some career driven, sexual goddess with the perfect winged eyeliner who also is allowed to be Bridget Jones; yet we tear ourselves apart looking in the mirror and we tear each other apart (which is more savage than THAT red wedding).
In a world where no two humans (even twins) look EXACTLY the same or have the same passions, why do we allow ourselves to be stereotyped into a shape or number from a system that's older than the women adhering to it.
I appreciate all of the females I see and no offence but I couldn't care less what size you are or how you dress, as long as your not endangering your health. I have far bigger things to be focusing on. For one this ball of rock that's hurtling through space at 4966856523434 miles an hour round a HUGE burning ball of gas and I'm supposed to be worried that I've put a pound on?! I'm more interested in learning how something as small as an atom can create this, the world as we know it and why I am afraid of spiders when I am 454564562453453 times bigger than (most) of them.
As far as my own perception of image goes, I try to treat my body like a temple, I try to eat healthily and enjoy things in moderation. I won't starve myself to fit into something, I'll simply buy it a little larger. (Given that we live in an economy that needs throw away fashion to survive (if it's made to last, you won't buy more) than I highly doubt that the sizes are fair anyway.)
All i'm saying is the media is made up of people, people who are told to write bullshit stories about image, 'celebrities' and size by other people. They are no more powerful than you or I, except you have the power and the choice to not read the bullshit they feed you. For every detrimental article, there is one that builds confidence.
So please see your beauty because you really are one of a kind and there will never be another like you.

That's enough, let's look now at the other harbinger of doom on my thoughts. Social Media. We thrive on it, as bloggers we use it as a tool to gain traffic, share our posts and build our profile.
People get so torn up over it. If you're really concerned over how many followers or 'friends' you have, I'd suggest delete your profile because you're not using it right.
I have over a hundred 'friends' on social media, yet less than 5 that I would call if my life depended on it, I'm fully aware of that fact and it doesn't bother me.
I have a handful of people that I trust and love unconditionally and everyone else is simply a pleasure to know. There is no room for jerks.
I don't blog because I want to be famous. I blog because I LOVE writing, sharing and music. When I had no experience or a career to speak of, it became my tool to work towards the dream career. I don't really know what that is, I'm just enjoying the journey for now.

Fame and fortune are dangerous cards to ask for. Your'e giving away the one important thing -anonymity. For money that won't buy you happiness or the answers. For fame, people presume they own you, people presume they have a right to discuss, spit on and glorify your personal life. They begin to live their lives how you would live yours, which isn't what the aim is, you're hoping to inspire people to be confident in themselves.

To be well known for your art, is slightly different. To me celebrities are not to be envied. Artists, doctors, scientists, professors, people with exceptional talent and character, these are the respected people. The people to be inspired by.

I don't blog in the hope that I'll be surrounded by fans of screaming people who aspire to be me. I blog in the hope that one person reading it may listen to the band I have shared, or that they may find some confidence or inspiration from my words. If through doing that, I end up being known for my blog than okay, I'll have some bridges to cross and hurdles to jump. I don't do what I do for fame or freebies, I do it because it's what I am passionate about. If that changes than I'll do something else. I'll tell you something for free, I'll never let people's opinion affect me, because as long as I know I have done the right thing, been a good person and feel happy in myself than their hurtful words and rumors mean nothing.

If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.

This world is full of beauty, passion, people and life. Yet we so often focus on trouble, misery and people that we don't live, we exist. Understand that just because one person says a thing does not mean it has to be that way for you. Only you know how you feel and you are different, incredible and have your own story to tell.
I write because that is what I do best, I have friends who are nurses, teachers and scientists. Without them the world would fall apart, if we were all artists, writers and musicians, where would the world be?
You might not like writing but feel that if you aren't a blogger you aren't cool. That's not the case, you might be the person to cure cancer, you might be a mother or father to the worlds next man to walk on the moon, or woman. There's no knowing of what you might achieve.

Blogging is my life, it's how I found my way into working in the music industry. Every message of praise or offer of work is an honour and I can't help but smile, but all I'm looking for, is to keep doing what I love and live my life. Maybe five years from now I won't even blog (though that thought saddens me) I can't help but wonder what new adventure I might be treading.
All i'm trying to say is that we each are who we are. Fame and fortune don't necessarily bring happiness and peace. Be you, stand out and be different.

Maybe you hate your part time job, but if it provides you with the funds to go trail-walking at weekends or pays for your kids dance classes or provides you money to use on creating and running a blog, or doing things with loved ones than it's worth it. While asking if people want fries with that, or if they want to wear it now, may not feel like it, you may be the highlight of someones day.
While bloggers have helped me more than I could express in words, sometimes it's the server at the coffee shop, the smile of a bus driver and the hello from a passerby that makes me feel like carrying on.
Maybe people don't chase you down the street, maybe they don't ask for your autograph or photo but that doesn't mean they don't respect you.
Ultimately if you don't respect you, how will anyone else?

I hope you can understand my opinion, though I know some will disagree, none of this is meant in bias or to hurt another. I hope that for at least one of you reading this, it provides food for thought.

† ☾ EVERY STORY HAS A BEGINNING ☾ †

As September leads us towards to the gate of Autumn, October is already looking full on; with gigs, reviews, interviews I take a moment to step out of the fading summer sun a while to share some thoughts.

As 2014 draws into it's final quarter, I have to stop and take a moment to look back over everything that has happened since the groggy start of 2013. In February 2013, I was somewhere between a girl and a woman. With a compass that neither pointed North or held a static position.

I felt like I was stood at a fork in the road and whichever path I took would be tough, a challenge and neither were certain of happiness.

I never just had one dream, I used to want to be an actress it wasn't because I wanted fame and riches. I just loved the idea of travelling the world, of becoming a different person. Excitement ran through me every time I watched a movie and even now I decide what character I would most like to be and try to be inspired by their actions, their portrayal.

As I grew older, it became apparent that this dream of being an actress was more a dream of adventure, of finding magic in a world I was told it didn't exist. I took the path shrouded with tree branches and fog over the path of neatly cut hedges and flowers. I don't ever think about the other path anymore, part of how I know I made the right choice is that I don't wonder where the other path would have led, I'm just relieved I'm not on it.

As I look at all I have created and developed in the last 18 months I find myself thrilled with the prospect of the path I now stare at before me. 'You have all the weapons you need, now fight''. With arrows flying and blades swinging I give my whole heart and being to my work. Maybe you don't think it's that exciting, that's fine. Your life is your own to lead. I just hope that you have something in your life that fills you with as much passion and excitement.

As I started into my mid twenties my life felt like it really got started, leading up to that point I had been governed by my parents and family, but now I was at the helm. Things don't always go to plan, but I find a way to navigate back on course and become stronger from the challenge.
When I think about it now, I don't need the sets and the lighting, it's the role I am cast, as myself that is the challenge. That one day in many years time, perhaps I may look back at my life and feel proud of the story that unfolded.
I am happy with where I am and what I am doing, if you spend your whole life wishing for more, you'll never respect and maintain all that you have in front of you.

I look to the close of 2014, continuing to work on many projects, strengthening the force with all that I do. 2014 marks the 20th anniversary of F.R.I.E.N.D.S // I like many other people my age grew up with FRIENDS and though I think I probably enjoy it more these days than when I was younger, I always told myself as a teen that once I was in the FRIENDS years (roughly 25-35) I'd be starting to make my own way in life. 25 for me was the start, I wasn't going to turn 25 and be training to do something I despised. I had no idea and still have no idea of what the future holds but at 26 and a half I'm passionate about everything in my professional and personal life.
There will be challenges and accomplishments ahead, it is with the now that I utilize my time to take on my ambitions and share this journey of the extraordinary ordinary life of KG.

LOVE & PEACE

♥ ☮

KG

Images / content belong to their respective owners.

LITTLEBEARWOLF  © Krystal Gemma. 

† ☾ A FRIEND THAT BETS AGAINST A FRIEND IS NO FRIEND ☾ †

This is probably my most personal blog feature on LBWC since it's beginning. I've been wondering whether or not to type it all. Though I have an idea, it's such a muddle of thoughts, memories and personal experience; I couldn't work out whether I should even bother.
It's been on my mind occasionally striking through crucial moments, so I have decided to write it.

It's a recollection and tale of a personal experience. The reason I've not been sure about posting is because I didn't want to focus on any negativity. Recently I've come to realise that towards this person, I don't feel anything in particular. To me this person is but a mere stranger, a former face that's drifted into the fog of memory. I've chosen to share this feature simply because I hope that to anyone else who has experienced something similar, or currently experiencing it, that it may offer them some breathing space and some strength with choosing what to do.

For the official record, I've changed the names of the people involved because the real people have no need to be featured here by name and also to protect any mutual people's involvement.

It is said than when an emotional relationship comes to an end, there is a period of pain and anguish, that only in time heals and allows us to move on. In those times, we count on our friends to support us and to carry us when we are weak. When that relationship is a friendship, where then do we seek light and strength when we need it most?

so here goes,

It was ten years ago that I had moved (initially) from far away and didn't know anyone. I was outside of any comfort zone I had learned to find through high school and felt excited and terrified by the prospect of starting a new college and life on the south coast.
I had left a boyfriend, friends, family, social life and everything I had known to move here. I kept telling myself it was the right thing to do, though my heart longed for home.

I met a few girls and boys, Cassy, the first from my form. A beautiful girl with long curly hair, a fair-weather nature that I admired. We wouldn't stay friends for long as we were destined for separate paths, she gave me the reassurance I needed that I would survive here.

A few more faces of people I barely remember, passed the time as I got used to my classes and new life. That was when I met Jane. We shared a few classes and she reminded me of my friends back home. She wouldn't speak with me at first, but I was determined we would be friends. How could we not, we had so many classes together and something was telling me to keep trying.

Finally as I slumped next to her in class, she reluctantly moved her bag. I used my only icebreaker I could think of, music. Her eyes lit up and everything I had imagined her to be, she was. She invited me to come with her to lunch, her friends didn't seem that fussed, though a lovely guy James chatted with me throughout the lunch break. He knew my hometown and between him and Jane I felt like I might actually be able to be happy here, not just survive.

We chatted everyday and over those first few uneasy months of college, I found a group of friends forming. As college went by, Jane and I grew ever closer. Mostly inseparable and constantly getting into all sorts of mischief, I don't think she ever knew it, but I was so enamored by her, she had this fiery rebellious streak that made her fight with everyone I knew, she made me feel incredibly safe.

We went to parties together, shopping, classes, trips, we both shared a lot of mutual friends that said we were always to be found together.

I genuinely believed we would be friends forever. We would joke with new friends that asked how we met, that 'well Jane hated me when we met, but after chatting about music, we love each other now'. Jane if you're reading this, It's that one sentence that has stayed with me since we grew apart. Did you ever really like me, or was it just about keeping your enemies closer?

As college drew to a close, we promised to keep in contact, neither of us worried about that, we were like sisters, of course we'd stay in touch. You'll have to excuse me here as the next few years a little hazy. It was the first few years after leaving college and my mid twenties that were actually my darkest. I had my heartbroken at 19 that led to several destructive relationships. Jane, if you thought I abandoned you in those times, you must know I quite often wanted to see you, you worked full time, between uni and a string of jobs I despised we never seemed to be in the same place.

We shared a few nights out, a few reunions, I stopped attending class reunions, I was trying to figure out who I really could develop lasting trustful friendships with and knew that many from college were not to last. It's a sad thing to lose touch with people, but I've learnt friends will always stay.
We shared a weekend away to Jane's families place, I kissed a family member of hers. It was a pair of naive teenagers that were simply being naive, who wouldn't even recognize each other now. It was never done in spite, in fact it was done without thought at all and too much alcohol.
I apologized the next day and told Jane how important our friendship was. The truth of it was, I was in a very dark place that I didn't understand from being too damn naive to understand it.

Those days of my early twenties were filled with learning experiences, mistakes that would turn into future knowledge. I stood by Jane, when one of our mutual friends Clare started to flirt with the guy that Jane had liked since I can remember. Jane's personal life is not for me to share, but I stuck by her with as much as I could, it was hard as we didn't see each other much.

I sent several emails, letters and got a few back. Too many teenage emotions, not enough understanding and in times when I've read them back it's broken my heart to read the things Jane thought I was responsible for.
I tried to build her confidence, I would never destroy a friends confidence. What others said to her about me were upsetting because they were not things I thought. I hadn't told them to say those things. I wonder why the people closest to her would say those things, it was nothing I could do.

Then out of the blue while living away in one of my darkest times, Jane messaged me. She would be coming to spend the day with me for my birthday. I was overjoyed at the thought, she would help me move home the next day too. oh and Clare was coming,
I thought what an odd bond, that Clare and Jane had become so close, I figured we were all growing, I didn't know Clare that well and looked forward to seeing them both. They both moaned about each other throughout the evening and by the time I was back at my parents I wondered what the hell had just happened. It had been lovely to see Jane, Clare seemed nice but our personalities didn't gel let's say.
After the visit, I felt like Jane was quite different and I didn't want to interrupt their friendship. Over a year passed until I saw Jane again. This time it was her birthday, we went out. It was on this night out I truly realized how far we had grown apart, how different we both were. James said 'do you ever feel like you've been invited just so you're there' I didn't really know how to take that and in hindsight the things I told him that night I wonder whether I should have done. Allies will always remain close with their friends.

I didn't speak with Jane again after that night. I felt confused and a bit lost. Had I been wrong all these years, had we ever even been friends? It seemed that I had become a thing for discussion, a think to be present only when needed. It was the things that James, Clare, (our other mutual friends) Lucy, Oliver and Sophie told me in the months after that broke my heart.
How could Jane really say or think those things? How could she treat me like that? I had only tried to be a good friend, I loved her to pieces. She'd been the dagger in my back for all that time. The thing I could never quite put my finger on.

I broke all ties and decided I was done. I was heartbroken and it was only a year after breaking those ties that I heard from her, I decided to reply. We shared a few replies and said we'd meed. As adults with our own lives now, trying to find a time to meet to recapture something that really only existed (if ever) ten years ago is not simple. We never re-met up.

I never really gave up hope that I had been fed lies from those mutual friends until this year when I came to blows with Clare after she and Jane had bet against me meeting them for coffee.
I don't need to tell you my readers that I'm quite often offered work last minute and so at that crucial time when my career was still building I couldn't turn anything down.
I was hurt and had it out with Clare, she admitted she'd never really thought we were close and I had to agree. I wasn't really hurt by Clare, I'd never really thought we'd be friends for a long time. She ignored me for most of our college days and grunted when partnered with me. I was surprised at the times we'd shared since.
It was Jane I was truly hurt by, that she had taken the bet (perhaps in a jokey way) but the truth of it was everything Clare told me was said had been said, so those other things in the past were true.

I'm not a believer in keeping enemies close, I don't envy anyone, you never really know what their going through. I only ever try to keep my own ambitions close and support those of the people I love in my life.
I'll never be horrible to people as I believe you should treat others as you wish to be treated.
I figured perhaps, the right thing to do was to in fact break all ties completely.
If you surround yourself with negativity, you channel that negativity.

I faced the choice of a recent interaction, to reply or not. I replied. I was kind. I was polite. The way I would be with a stranger. That is how I will continue. With Clare it was easy to say goodbye, to be civil when meeting but never more. With Jane it was crushing. Only in the months of this year have I found the strength to understand that friendships are never certain. As we move through life and our tastes, looks and lives change, so do our friends.
We both acted foolishly at times in our early twenties, in times since we've shared contacted and remained on good terms. I just couldn't be friends with Jane anymore, I was too confused and hurt by all the things that had been said and done.
I don't stay friends because of times shared, I stay friends with people because we remain friends. Hanging onto something you shared a decade ago, is like trying to fit in your training bra and wondering why it doesn't feel right.

My friendship with Jane taught me a lot about friendship, trust and myself. The last time we spoke she said she was happy, I am happy. Our lives are our own and I wish her every happiness. The Jane I knew and the Jane I know are two different people to me. As I am sure the KG she knew and the KG she knows are. Perhaps one day KG and Jane will be friends, that depends on their actions of the now.

My advice to anyone who has shared a broken friendship, there's never a point of no return. People always have the option to forgive and move on. It just depends whether they are willing.

Friendships should never make you feel anxious or stressed, if they are there's something perhaps wrong. We all let down people from time to time, True friends understand that. If your friends are making you feel stressed, like you need to perform to standard or act in a certain way, they aren't friends.

Trust your instincts and if something feels wrong, don't give in to it.
I try everyday in my extraordinary ordinary life to make a difference to my future by acting wisely in the now. Of course that doesn't always go to plan. It is then that we learn for the future.

Like dating an ex, can you ever truly have a fresh start, move on from the pain, the things that have been shared? Only you can decide.

† ☾ BEYOND THE REALM OF DREAMS ☾ †

Hello,

Star Wars still 'Lightspeed' //Photo from Google

I've got a million features to write or so it feels like for LBW music blog this week; truth to be told there are so many exciting things going on with LBW at the moment that I feel like i'm constantly on light-speed mode! (I'm certainly not complaining, LBW is extremely important to me, just sometimes I feel more like i'm being swept out to sea over navigating her across oceans.)

I figured perhaps writing here might help me slow enough to actually process everything properly. I read quite a few blogs and constantly look for new blogs and bloggers to network with. I've found really since being a shell of a girl starting out without really a direction or compass to navigate; that I nowadays feel like this empowered warrior that I become when i'm making strides in my dreams. Then there's the days like this, that I am this twenty something girl that still feels a little like the ocean is claiming her rather than being tamed by her.

Except both of those people I just described are me. So why do I insist on torturing myself when it seems there just aren't enough hours in the day? Why do I tell myself I have to be the warrior or the girl? Because i'm human. Because I spent the first half of my years being told to learn and dream of the future and the second half of my years being told to work and to understand that dreams don't come true.

Sherlock's mind palace // Image from weheartit

I never dreamed I would create, run or even develop LITTLEBEARWOLF. When I look at it now, I see all the paths before me that I can step onto, Sometimes I need to take stock of the fact that I created that, I stopped surrounding myself with people who said it would never happen, I stopped dwelling on the if's and maybe's and I just started writing. 

That's my healing. Turning thoughts into words, helps to clear my mind, to allow my mind palace to locate the information it needs for the task ahead.

Except sometimes even when the only thing you want to do is write, you can't. Like a bird that learns it has a broken wing, writers that cannot write feel trapped. That's when I turned to reading, I didn't have the time to settle into a novel, I have plenty to read but that needs time. So I started to read blogs. Blogs of every variety, fashion, music, lifestyle, travel; that's when I found my answer. It's not the feeling of not being able to write because of a lack of inspiration, sometimes it's just the motivation. The thing you love most, can sometimes feel like Everest, you wonder how on earth you ever tackled it in the first place. A favourite of mine to read is SCARPHELIA. Katie has a way with words that feels like she's stepped into my mind and is saying out aloud what I am thinking.

I find peace in reading Katie's work, it makes me feel i'm not alone. It's like I have this friend who understands everything i'm thinking. What I like most is Scarphelia's honesty. Life isn't perfect, when we find imperfections we face them and grow from them, Scarphelia does just that, there's no brushing life under the rug of 'look at my perfect lifestyle of tea and summer dresses' it's honest writing from the heart. For that reason I find Katie both an inspiration to my art and treasure, like that book you hide, to read when you need the escape most.

LBW as those of you know who read, has become my professional space which left me feeling a little homeless on the internet. My corner I had created to write about music I loved and things I enjoyed, no longer belonged to just me and as it became more obvious that my passion and drive for LBW was heading towards a professional stance, I needed a new corner, somewhere I could spill words into to clear my head.

I find myself posed with the challenge, that as a professional I must not share too many thoughts on the internet, I must not post anything negative that will put people off working with me. Though this is certainly something to consider, as a blogger and artist I want to be able to share my whole-self with you.
You won't find juicy gossip or mindless words of deceit because I try to steer clear of all that in my day to day life let alone on the internet. You will find personal posts, posts that I hope give my readers something to hold onto. I hope you'll continue to join me on LBW for all things music as well as LBWC for my journey, my ramblings and all my thoughts about this entirely terrifying yet magical adventure we call life.

Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events and small minds discuss people. 

I know how I intend to spend my days, what will you do with yours?

LOVE & PEACE

♥ ☮

KG

Images / content belong to their respective owners.

LITTLEBEARWOLFCOVE  © Krystal Gemma.