As I stepped out into the bright light of the mid morning sun, I was struck by the chill that wrapped itself around my hair, neck and down into my lungs as I took a deep breath.
The cool air whipped my hair across my face and round my head as I walked, leaves swirled around the air, they were brown and decaying, Autumns final stand against the onset of the coming long winter.
I set off south east, it occurred to me that I always made a mental note of which direction I was heading.
'You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to'. A quote from Lord of The Rings, no matter if i'm walking with purpose, to clear my mind or for pleasure, I often find that quote moored gently in the ocean of thoughts.
I continued on my path, past the semi-detached suburban houses of the town in which I'd come to call home and onwards over the hill towards the winding road I take to the studio; when an image begun to present itself in my mind.
I couldn't tell you what brought it hurtling up from the depths of my mind, perhaps a subconscious thought had put wind in it's sails or perhaps I'd noticed a car, a scent something that brought me back to December 2012.
It was my darkest time. Life was simple, pleasant even. I had everything a nice life ought to have in it, I had my struggles but they weren't spoken of and life had continued up to that moment in a nice manner for about a year, since I had made my escape back to Hampshire.
If it was nice, how was it so dark? Because I began to live a separate life. My reality was conventional and while I smiled on the outside, I screamed and rattled on the inside. Where was the passion, the romance, the art, the adventure? I'm a free-spirited soul and I need to be able to wander when the urge arises. I thought of that bright eyed 18 year old heading off into the world. If only she knew of the trials and choices that lay ahead.
I don't regret my past, I've learnt a lot and had I not been through trying times, I would never have found the courage to make a break for it, I may have settled for conventional long ago even. Changing your past may not change your future. I don't think our lives are pre-determined, I think we hold fate in our hands but we don't always have the power to control it, if ever.
I'd already decided after months of reading blogs and finding my own style and myself again that I would make 2013 the year of change. Little did I know how much.
I made resolutions that I broke almost as soon as I had made them, I settled back into a life of comfort after the festive season however something was alive, something had been woken and though it only moved in the shadows, at the darkest times of the night, I could feel fire starting to spread and it wasn't settling for nice.
I started a blog, I wrote about a handful of fashion posts but it didn't really bring me anything, I didn't feel fulfilled. I logged out thinking, well that's that. My friend invited me to see a band play, her boyfriend was supporting them.
We went along, we bought a coke and supped it as Adam* played his acoustic songs. I felt myself drawn away from the stage, there were a group of lads sitting in the corner, just guys but I felt as though I couldn't take my eyes off them. They looked seemingly regular, they didn't smile when they looked over, they barely seemed to notice anyone else in the room even.
Adam finished his set and came to join us, we had got into such a deep conversation that we hadn't heard the band start. As the guitar rung out across the noisy pub, my attention shifted and as I stared over to the stage, the rest of the room seemed to fall away.
It was the boys from the corner, the guitar was like a friend calling from an old life, as I listened to the songs I felt giddy. It wasn't a crush on the band per se, it was the music. It was like hearing an old language being brought to life.
After the set was done, we headed home. I didn't speak with the band but I knew I would have to check them out again sometime.
A couple of months passed, it was now the end of February, Adam had joined the band from the pub and my friend invited me to their first gig together. I was excited, it felt naughty. It felt dangerous. My nice life wouldn't make room for live music and gigs in old run down pubs, to me it was the greatest freedom I had known in a long time. It was like meeting my 18 year old self over again, except she was no longer naive.
I went to see the band more and more, as the days turned into weeks, I would go round and we would drink, smoke and listen to old vinyls. I loved their dingy flat, that smelt of incense, it was like going back to an old life, my heart used to sink when I knew I had to leave.
It was never feelings toward the boys, it was the lifestyle. The freedom.
I worked with them on my blog and I worked relentlessly trying to help push their music, though things fell through and the situation turned sour, I don't feel sadness. Our paths crossed but were never meant to intertwine for long. They brought the fire in me to life, they gave me a glimpse of a life I had known but hadn't had the chance to live and despite the end of our friendship, they led me to freedom away from the world of convention.
In the last days of our friendship, I began heading to gigs, any gigs, all gigs. I craved the dark rooms, the smell of beer and incense tainted in the musky air that hung in the venues, the bright light from the stage as figures emerged, their sound emanating out into the room. I felt like Lestat feeding after sleeping for hundreds of years. Live music had been my biggest passion as a teen and my early twenties saw me shun that and become lost in reality. Surrounding myself with live music felt like walking for the first time, I was unsure of where I would end up, or even if I would go anywhere, but I was doing it, I was involved, even if it were only watching and scrawling posts about it in the early hours that came after.
As my nice life came to a close and I began to chase the fleeting moments of passion, I knew it was my drug. The alive feeling I felt every-time I was around live music, around people who reminded me of modern day hippies, their art was their life, I clung to it; every moment I had to spend back in my day job was like an icicle in my heart. While my brain told me it was not sensible to leave a life of comfort to go in search of a dream that wasn't even clear, the fire in my heart only grew stronger, I've always acted with my heart, so I knew it was only a matter of time before my sensible side would lose.
I got in touch with an old friend from college who was in a band and threw the idea around of putting on a gig. We sat in my room and planned it, it was the most alive I had felt. When we weren't planning that gig I felt like I was on auto-pilot, like a mannequin waiting for the store to close so I could come to life.
A suggestion of a band she had supported was thrown around. We went down to a comedy club night at a local live music venue. I took another friend for moral support and under the smile I wore a nervous anxious feeling. I felt drawn to going that night, despite being tired and wanting to stay in.
As we entered the pub, we walked through to an entrance where we paid to get in and were shown in to a darkened room with chairs and a brightly lit stage.
My friend and I milled at the back of the room, shyly looking around taking in our surroundings. I felt oddly comfortable, ironic as that venue has now become a second home to me.
That was where I first met him. He was a tall figure, stood just in the shadow of a large alcove. He had styled hair and was dressed far smarter than anyone else in the room. He wore black jeans, slim fitting that showed his long legs, a shirt and a waistcoat.
This is Rob from Melodramas, my friend introduced. Ahh I thought, you're the guy we want headlining our gig, polite and business manner for you then. 'Oh hello, it's lovely to meet you, my names KG'. He smiled at me with a sort of gleeful look that I didn't understand. 'Hi i'm Rob', he shook my hand.
That was all we really said. The night went on and we went our separate ways. His band were playing a gig a couple of weeks later, I thought it was the perfect opportunity to save my dying friendship with the band from before. A feature for Rob's band may interest them in playing my friend and I's gig.
I asked for three tickets and he said he'd meet me outside to give them to me in person.
As I turned up with my friends he was sound checking but still polite enough to run outside with the tickets.
When they took to the stage, I was mesmerised. What had I just witnessed. Everything i'd been told, every word hadn't done the band justice. I was expecting good, I got breathtaking. Who were they? My friends chatted with a couple of the band, we then headed to the back of the room to see the headliner. Rob came over to chat and quickly after the band mates of mine decided they were leaving. I had to go with them. I said my goodbye's and thought nothing more.
Sam* said he loved Rob's amp, 'find out what one it is', wanting to please my friends I text Rob a polite message asking, while I sat at the flat and drank and smoked and listened to vinyl, I realized I hadn't paid much attention to my 'friends' as I had been messaging Rob back and every time a reply came through I'd smile as I read it.
Tired from the long nights and working full time, I went to my mums and was sat chatting with her when a message pinged up from Rob, he'd read my review and they liked it. We chatted a while longer about his band and music before he asked if I'd like to go for coffee the following day.
Aware of our dying friendship, I made it choice to pop by the boys flat in the morning to collect some things.
'You aren't going to go are you?' ' He's obviously interested in you' my 'friends' sneered as I said goodbye. 'I need to go to the shop. I'll walk down with you' said Sam* with an almost fierce tone. I didn't understand the hostility as though they'd had my full attention, they never seemed satisfied, and now, I was making new friends, they seemed almost sad I would leave them.
I met Rob and realized my nerves were butterflies, I shouldn't be excited about this. I wasn't looking for anything, I had all these plans I was formulating. Yet here he was sat opposite me and there we had been chatting for almost 2 hours before I became very aware of the fact we had been sat chatting for TWO HOURS. How had that happened?!
It was like meeting a friend, someone from a past life and I felt safe. I almost didn't want to leave, but it scared me. It scared me how easily I could speak to him, how intently he listened to every word I spoke.
I made an excuse about being busy and we went our separate ways once more. Except we were involved now and as it happens, it was only a matter of time before we became very close indeed.
I no longer speak to any of the band from the start of that story. Without them, I wonder if i'd ever have met Rob.
It turns out I know some of his friends and have done for a very long time, it turns out I met some of his friends on rare occasions and that for a long time we were in adjoining circles in the same places, the same time and yet had never met. Yet now, when our circles had been the furthest they were from one another, we were thrust together and became the best of friends.
There aren't many people in the world I can be my whole self with, there aren't many people in the world I could spend a week straight with, but with Rob I can.
As I got to the top of the bridge, I looked across the horizon and thought, how extraordinary it was, yet so ordinary. All of the things that had happened over the past year and a half. How if even one thing had been different, that tale wouldn't have happened, yet here I am telling it.
The story of how awakening myself and meeting my best friend led me to the poorest, most stressful yet richest, most peaceful, happy time of my incredibly extraordinary ordinary life. As my friendship with Rob bloomed as did my creative flare for my blog. My blog became my home for that life of freedom, every time I posted it was like a brick built to make a wall, a room and a home for me in that new life.
I've been really stressed recently and taken more for granted than I should have done. While the winter storm rages on outside, I put my hand on the door to the studio and pull it open. I am greeted with the black and red walls. I am home. This studio has become my base, it's the hub for all music in the local area and the place I wish most to be.
I can't help but smile every time I walk in. 'It seems like you never stop' a friend said. I laughed it off but realized after, I don't but I don't mind. That studio is my family, my friends and it means the world to me. My blog is my biggest treasure. It's my most valuable possession, it's my horcrux I never meant to make.
Every choice and decision from the last 18 months has led me to here. So I feel hope, that I've no idea what comes next but that forms the excitement. I had no idea two years ago my life would be this, so i'll not try to guess where or what I'll be two years from now.
I said to my mum when leaving my old life. I know what I need and it's not convention. I'm too much my mothers daughter. I'd rather be broke and passionate than wealthy and miserable.
There's no moral to the story because it's the never ending story of my life so far. Except that I no longer wish things were different, I no longer hope for better times or a life, everything I have right now is the key to my happiness. It's down to me to balance the equation and keep that moment happy. I try to live earnestly, passionately and see the beauty in everyday that I wake up to.
We all have the power to be whatever or whoever we choose. Our tales are all different. Try to see the beauty in even the smallest of life's occurrences. You never know when they may just become the most important things in your life.
Kudos if you get the second part of the post title. We gotta go back Marty, back where Doc? To the future!
