IT'S A BLOGGERS LIFE FOR ME

I put my heart into my music blog and it seems fair that I do the same with cove; the lifestyle, journal, fashion and beauty side of LBW. I decided to start a second blog when it was clear that the music aspect of my blog was it's central core. As the music progressed into more than reviews after a shift in the shop, I then found that the little corner of the web I had created for myself, after months of reading BeckyBedbug, EffiesMakeUpBox & NotSoCity (back then Jennie Masters) those three girls without even knowing it saved my life. was no longer a place for ramblings, I decided to create a separate space on the web for that side of my writing.

It just so happened then summer came along and I got so busy with all things music, that I then couldn't keep it updated, so I've spent the last two months racking my brains as to how I can fit everything in and that's when it struck me.

The reason I was struggling to keep it all together was because of the words of another. This shadow that kept trying to overpower me, I realized was no friend when she stated that my work needed to have no face, because people don't want to know a girl like me. I put my energy into believing that. It wasn't long before I realized the face of my work is actually what people connect with, that I realized, was why I was struggling to create content.

The thing is and bloggers you will know this, is that when you create a post your readers connect with you as a person. I find people tell me they like my personable way of writing, my personality in my work. So I vow never again to let the words of another bring me down.

I've suffered with anxiety for a good few years now, it started as a kid, I would have crippling panic attacks when I felt scared. I managed to overcome these by the age of 16 but after getting my heartbroken at 18 and ending up in several downward spiralling relationships and a personal rut, the anxiety came back in the form of fear.

I never attended college meet ups, stopped attending auditions and eventually managed to convince myself I was never going to amount to anything interesting and that life was work, houses and chores. As a creative person, this not only brought me down but managed to bring me to a standstill.

I made one last vain attempt to free myself from my demons, I cut out the people in my life who brought me down, I quit my job, ended my relationship, everything but cut my hair. (One bad haircut from my mum, my best friend Caz - I still remember crying and Stingray from neighbors (long story) was enough to persuade me to keep it long and stop going for daring cuts.)

I remember buying company magazine, it had become the light in a dark place and I loved it's colourful pages, pretty clothes but mostly it's bloggers, street stylers and beauty queens. The fact that they were for the most part real girls, took away my crippling fear and made me feel that maybe just maybe one day, I could be much like them.

It led me to Jennie Masters fashion blog, I loved her style, it partly reminded me of my own except I'd never had the confidence to talk about it. The blog I found alongside this one was BeckyBedbug. Between these two girls, there was rarely a day I didn't log on, to see if a new post would be there for me to read.

As I began to look for more blogs I came across EffiesMakeUpBox, so cool. I LOVED the outfit posts and I started to read more and more blogs until one day I decided to start my own. I thought this is it, this is the moment my life will turn around. So I sat eagerly planning my blog and posts, only to discover that it wasn't easy, I couldn't create an empire or look stunning in my outfits and I began to deflate again.

Then while listening to music a 'review' fell out of a case. I used to review every CD I bought and write the review on a piece of A4 paper and tuck it inside the case in case someone in hundreds of years were to find it and wonder what it was like, they might not be able to play it if a new form of technology took over CD's!

I thought about it when the phone rang, Mel 'hey do you want to go to a gig tonight?' we trundled down to a pub in Portsmouth and watched the band play. I found myself excited and after went home and typed a review. (The story doesn't end there but I could write all day about the journey that followed.) So to summarize LITTLEBEARWOLF was born.

Fashion and beauty were hard for someone with little to no self esteem to write about, music has and always will be a massive passion of mine and throughout my darkest times it was there to create a moment of bliss.

The journey that led me to here has meant a boost in esteem, confidence and knowing that following my passions is what makes my life happy.

That character that has evolved is me and the heart I put into my work comes from that character and passion. So I'll never again take the personality out of what I do.

In fact if anything, it's made me feel stronger as a blogger.

I only recently started to watch vlogs. It wasn't long until I came across Zoella. Firstly like the blogs I first read all those months ago, the thing that drew me into her videos was that I felt I could connect with Zoe. As if in a another life or time we'd be friends. I liked her personable nature and when I watched her videos about anxiety, it sealed the deal that she'd be added to my list of inspiring blogger people.

The trouble is though, when you have a blog that you pour your life and soul into, it becomes very personal. I sort of think it becomes your horcrux, the one you didn't mean to make. A little part of your soul goes into it, meaning when people (not Harry Potter as we're not all demon wizards trying to destroy humanity, i'm talking more about internet trolls and gollum like 'friends') so when people say or do hurtful things to it, it's personal and painful.

It's because I can tell you first hand it's bloody hard work running a blog. It's the greatest thing I've ever done but it's everyday of my life, being me and the musicians I work with, people sometimes expect you to be on it 24/7 when actually I'll be hiding in Skyrim building my archery skills just to feel an escape from the world.

People who don't have the fire (by fire I mean creativity, inspiration, motivation and get up and go) to create their own piece of happiness, they turn to destroying the people who have. 

I thought that by now being in the adult world that people would be more compassionate than to try and turn others against those they are envious of. If Bowling for soup taught me anything, it's that high school never ends. So unfortunately where light shines, darkness dwells.

What's important to remember here bloggers is that they will never be you. We each alone have the power to be us and make our own stories as incredible and exciting as we desire.

I've met non-blogger types who say it's pointless and a bunch of teenagers making videos about lipstick, but I don't need to explain myself to them. They are entitled to their opinion.

Blogging brought me a whole new world, new people, new places and experiences.

Blogging is a huge community of people that can express themselves in areas they are passionate about for hobbies, part of or all of their work. It's a big industry that's ever growing and one day maybe we'll all be doing something different, we're not hurting anyone, we're simply sharing things with others that make our lives happy. Be it bands, make up, help for conditions like anxiety or local business' worth checking out.

So to those who down on bloggers and tell us we're wasting our time, I ask what they're doing with theirs that provides them with the power to control others.

A wise tutor turned friend once told me 'they accept convention and when someone challenges convention, they worry that you may break the convention and they realise they could be doing it differently. Without the willpower and motivation they never will, so their only power is their hold over you'.

Here are a selection of blogs that provide me with inspiration and the bloggers who have become my friends and colleagues.

BeckyBedbug // EffiesMakeUpBox // NotSoCity // Music&Manxies // Le-Happy // Songbird // USN // Scarphelia // Ella Masters // Flat Eleven // Gembolini // Jough // PierreLeCat // Annarack // Zoella 

Just in case you'd like to take a wander to my music blog LITTLEBEARWOLF you can!

The above blogs are my faves, I read others and always like to read more so feel free to comment below with your links. Either through email, tweets or blogging I've come to know these bloggers and have respect for each of them.

We each forge our own paths in life, whether we know it or not we all have the power to be creative. It took me a long time to feel as worthy as some of the bloggers above but when I got to know them I came to realise just how lovely they were and human too. They each have their own magic and have helped me to find mine.

LOVE & PEACE

♥ ☮

KG

Images / content belong to their respective owners.

LITTLEBEARWOLFCOVE  © Krystal Gemma. 

TwentyOneThings #2

So day two of my TwentyOneThings challenge, this is basically where I change my life for the better through a series of blog posts. Challenging my crippling anxiety and maintaining a balance in my life.
If you read the first post of #TwentyOneThings than you'll know that this series of posts is aiming to address the magic and beauty in life to focus on the good that is achieved and the happiness that is felt.
If you haven't read the first post, you can do that by clicking here.

As I stated in the previous post, balance is the key to life. That balance is a constant equation, which is made up of hundreds of mini equations for every decision and action that we make. It would be all to depressing to sum up life in a series of mathematical equations so I am furthering that focus on the beauty in life. In my life.

Treating others as you wish to be treated. This is an important part of my balance act. I tend to be quite intuitive and though I may not say a word I am taking in more about a situation than some people realise. I bounce off people and so I put a lot of stock into how people speak to me and treat me, it gives me a good idea of how I am going to respond to them.

It doesn't take much to be a good person. There's a film called 'About Time' it's the story of a young man who learns he can travel in time, he learns that rather than going back in time each day to re-live the moments and see the good, that he is just going to try and live everyday as well as he can.
So put out of your mind the bad things, the people that you disagree with and probably just about every news story you've heard this week.

It is said that the big things in life are in fact the little things. Actually it's the people we hold most dear that we would crave one more hug, kiss or chat with, over the supposed big things that make us 'successful'. I've heard people say they'd give it all up to just have one more day with that person or doing that thing.
So take all of the little things that happen to you everyday and treasure them. Whether you win or lose at your dream, those little things will be the treasures that keep you strong.

For me, it's the fresh cold air that surrounds me upon leaving the house in the morning, it reminds me I am alive, I am this incredibly tiny thing in a gigantic universe that has this whole world in her life.
It's the crisp leaves on the ground and my breath appearing like Dragon smoke in the winter air.
It's the look on my mums face when I pop round and she shows me the fish she bought for her pond. It's the look of wonder in my dads expression when I show him the studio I work at. It's the rare and golden moments where my brother and I aren't disagreeing about politics, idealism and music long enough to enjoy each others company.
The smile I feel draw across my face every time I see my best friend. The knowing that there is a bond two people can share that feels like you have known each other for a hundred years and still enjoy each other's companionship.
The musicians I get to work with that continue to astound and inspire me, the moments we share when they experience their dreams.
The playing of music, the performing of the arts, learning and studying all the subjects I hold dear.
The feeling of being wrapped up in a duvet and pillows while the storm rages ever on outside.

Those little atom sized events to the universe provide me with a true feeling of peace and passion in the tiny inconsequential extraordinary ordinary life of KG.
So wherever you are, take a moment to reflect upon all of the atom sized events in your life that actually provide you with a wealth of warmth in the coldest times.

LOVE & PEACE

♥ ☮

KG

Images / content belong to their respective owners.

LITTLEBEARWOLFCOVE  © Krystal Gemma. 

TwentyOneThings

Life is this incredibly fragile balancing equation, tip the scale just even a pinch over and your whole world can come crashing down around you. It can only take a split second to change your life forever and sometimes it's something that you couldn't control with all the power and money in the world.

This past week or so I've felt very much as though I've been watching the world from afar, mostly due to the fact I came down with a heavy cold and simply mustering the strength to move around proved too much by the end of the week. Resulting in a few days with my own company.

Feeling at a loss, frustrated I couldn't work or be out of the house I read the news, that was a mistake. Feeling unwell and depressed I started to just watch. Watch people walking down the street outside, watch people on the bus, in the waiting room, my own family and friends. What I noticed is that we're all moving so fast that we never slow enough to stop, even when you think you're relaxing your still moving at 280967473365 miles an hour.

The world never sleeps anymore, there's just varying degrees of consciousness. Bars open till 3 am, cafe's open again at 5 am, the internet provides a matrix of constant awareness where there's always something to entertain you or capture your attention.

Constant words, thoughts, actions and consequences fill my mind, I think about EVERYTHING constantly. It's like when Bruce Almighty hears all the prayers of all the people, except it's not a power, it's just my brain constantly on full throttle. I suddenly felt as though the room was closing in around me. I felt like I could feel every single voice of all the people in the world, it was if I wasn't even in my body, I was just hovering somewhere above it all. I couldn't get the news stories out of my head, I couldn't stop worrying about my family, my friends, my work, I was thinking about all the musicians and bands I've worked with and where all that's heading, I couldn't think about what I like and how I was feeling, there was no room for any more thoughts. How could I ever unscramble my own thoughts with all the suffering and turmoil, thoughts and dreams of the rest of the population spinning round my mind? It was like a deafening roar of noise despite the fact I was alone and the room was completely silent apart from the radio that i'd had on for background noise ironically enough.

So I turned my phone off, I turned my laptop off, I turned the radio off and I switched the light off.

I pulled the curtains and just lay my head on the pillow, when I emerged a couple of hours later, I felt disorientated, as though the whole day had been a dream.

There were no thoughts, people or noises. It was just the late afternoon with the last of the summer sunshine gleaming in through the window.

I opened the window and the cool breeze that swilled around my face and hair was like the first breath I had ever taken.

I think for the first time in probably my entire adult life I had switched off. More like my battery was so low that I powered down automatically.

Today I've felt refreshed, the world might not sleep, I do. It just means adding that to the balance equation. It's easy to become depressed, to become obsessed with what the rest of the world is doing, looking like and tell yourself that you're not good enough, that you'll never succeed. That's not the case, you just haven't quite found the formula to the equation yet.

Don't stress it, because even when you find the formula, it's only a matter of time before it needs to be-calculated, the world doesn't sleep. Remember?

Your choice is survive or live. We spend so long trying to make our dreams come true, to be successful that we actually cease to live, we become these tireless robots of ambition. If you're not going to enjoy the route to whatever fantastical thing you're destined for, than you'll never appreciate that thing when it happens. The truth of it is, none of us are going to make it out alive, so we may as well enjoy the journey.

If you get to the end of your time and they (whichever powers that might be) ask you how heaven, paradise was, what will you say?

I spent so long trying to maintain everything I've built and building that I was no longer thriving on it, just surviving it. Heartbreaking because my blog and my music work is everything to me. It was no ones fault but my own, in a world that doesn't sleep it's a balancing act to keep up. After a few days to myself, I realise that I am an integral part to my life, so I have to be in my balance equation. Me time needs to be small chunks regularly not a week in bed because I've run myself into the ground.

Passion for what I do is powerless without energy. 

With that the dreadful block I've faced throughout the entirety of September has dispersed and I feel I could write all night long.

We all experience life differently, we all perceive the world differently but the one thing we have in common is that time chases all of us, so you can either choose to see the magic and keep attempting to re-calculate the equation to balance your universe or not. It's not what we do that makes our life great, it's how we do it. Each of us.

I hope you maintain the balance long enough to truly encompass all of the incredible beautiful things in this world. There may be many bad savage things happening, our media doesn't portray all of the stunning, magical things that sometimes can only be felt not seen.

To help me challenge my anxiety I'm using this as the first post of twenty-one. #TwentyOneThings is my challenge to change my life by improving the quality of it.

Balancing all the things in my life properly is the first step I am taking to improving my quality of life.

Research has shown it takes 21 days to form or break a habit, so this is my challenge and each day I'll share a post here tagged #TwentyOneThings that are my way of fighting my anxiety and feeling stronger.

LOVE & PEACE

♥ ☮

KG

Images / content belong to their respective owners.

LITTLEBEARWOLFCOVE  © Krystal Gemma. 

† ☾ HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS ☾ †

Whether it's people who live in a place saying it or people who have only premeditated news stories to go on, a places' reputation can suffer dramatically through people's perceptions.

This got me thinking recently, people are so quick to down a place, 'there's nothing exciting to do, people are rude, there's nothing magical, the streets are a mess'.

I wonder how many of those people go out of their way to a. be somewhere else or b. make a positive change to the place they live.

If you live in a place than of course from time to time you're going to need to escape the walls and see a change of scenery.

I moved to Gosport ten years ago. I haven't remained in Gosport for all of that decade. In fact for probably only half that time.

Photographs by KG

What I have found here the few times I've moved back, is not a prison in which I can't escape, but a home that has welcomed me back.

Gosport's a smallish harbour town on the south coast of England, it sits between Portsmouth and Southampton and it certainly has it's own character and charm.

Gosport's biggest let down is the people who slate it, the people who make no attempt to preserve it and who use twenty year old statements to back up their opinions.

Well perhaps Gosport isn't your cup of tea, but no ones forcing you to keep buying the same brand of tea are they? What those that can appreciate the town for it's beauty realise, is that Gosport is a place of interest to many historians interested in the military, in the many marinas and old architecture.

Life goes on much the way it has for many years, fairly uninterrupted by the wider world.

It's not just the history, it's the scenery; head to either of Gosport's pebble beaches and you'll find scenic views of the Solent and Isle of Wight. On sunny days there's more than enough places to treat yourself to a tasty ice cream or take a walk along the coast.

Cycle routes and footpaths that take you right from the beach through town and all the way to neighboring towns mean that Gosport is accessible and has provided it's citizens with a free way to keep healthy.

Photographs by KG

What I've found mostly in Gosport is that the people are all friendly, willing to give their time and have a chat.

People have the power to make change happen, people have the ability to change their own perceptions of a place.

With local music festivals, festival theatre shows, arts, crafts fairs and town markets there is quite often something interesting happening in town.

With Portsmouth just a 15 minute ferry trip from the Gosport marina, you can be in the city soaking up the energy in no time at all.

Within an hour you can be in the heart of the new forest, Meon Valley, Sussex downs or well on your way to Brighton and Bournemouth, all offering their own charm and beauty.

If I've learnt anything, it's people that make a place feel like home. You can be in the most spectacular place on the planet but if you haven't got anyone to share it with, it's only going to be half as special.

Photographs by KG

Gosport has some incredible people with such tales to tell. So by all means go out and explore the world, but a wise man once said to me, 'everyone needs somewhere to come back to', that's so true.

I've got to say that for me Gosport is pretty special, the sights are nice but it's my friends, colleagues and characters that make it feel like home.

Maybe I won't live in Gosport forever, but while I do, I'll continue to make the effort to make the town a great place to be. Show a smile, help someone out, throw your litter in a bin, all small actions that if everyone did would have a lasting effect on the town.

If you're visiting Gosport, be sure to check out Fort Brockhurst (complete with moat), check out Stokes Bay, Gosport Marina, the many cafe's and restaurants.

Check out the towns old taverns and live music nights. Alverstoke Village church is beautiful and you can walk the old train track route too.

Come down, make friends and soak up the community spirit of Gosport.

† ☾ FALLEN LEAVES ☾ †

BILLY TALENT // FALLEN LEAVES



It's that time of year again, the nights are drawing in, the breeze is crisp with the scent of summer fading. The leaves are falling and everything's turning red and orange.
I absolutely love Autumn, it was always my favourite season as a kid because it meant a new term at school (geek I know!)

Fashion week was full of hot new looks for S/S15 but what I am totally stoked for is all the awesome Autumn looks, layering, textures and winter knits. Topshop is always a great place to start for key pieces for any closet.
The start of a new season is always difficult too though, the weather hasn't quite adjusted as quick as the time or it's snowing one minute and a million degree's the next.
Versatility is the absolute key for that awkward changeover part of the seasons.
While scanning their 'New In' items, I came across some total beauties. It was hard to single it down to one outfit but here's my summer to autumn look from Topshop.

Parka - £98
Fisherman Beanie - £12
Slouchy Cardigan - £48
Lace Insert Flippy Dress - £26
BALLISTIC High Leg Boots - £68
Flower Collar - £20
Faux-Leather Clean-cut Satchel - £36
Cost of outfit £308 //
Sassy rating 10/10

I love this outfits day to night styling. Simply remove the coat and hat for a casual evening outfit. Perfect for those short autumn days!

 I love the colours, the muted grey tones with the pale blue keeps the outfit from becoming too dark. The green parka adds the extra layer needed for those autumnal breezes. I LOVE these boots but you'd have to be careful when dressing these as it would be all to easy to take them from sassy to slutty. Pairing them with the casual dress gives them a daytime feel, while the lace inserts in the dress provide the glam touch to keep the outfit sassy.
I'm not normally one for HUGE collar necklaces, there's just something about this one that keeps an air of summer infused into the look. *KG's Style Secret - add a messy fishtail braid for the daytime look and then shake out those light waves for a voluminous evening look!

I'll be back soon with another Autumn look to keep you stylish and stunning throughout this mid-season swap over!

LOVE & PEACE

♥ ☮

KG

Images / content belong to their respective owners.

LITTLEBEARWOLFCOVE  © Krystal Gemma. 

† ☾ EVERY STORY HAS A BEGINNING ☾ †

As September leads us towards to the gate of Autumn, October is already looking full on; with gigs, reviews, interviews I take a moment to step out of the fading summer sun a while to share some thoughts.

As 2014 draws into it's final quarter, I have to stop and take a moment to look back over everything that has happened since the groggy start of 2013. In February 2013, I was somewhere between a girl and a woman. With a compass that neither pointed North or held a static position.

I felt like I was stood at a fork in the road and whichever path I took would be tough, a challenge and neither were certain of happiness.

I never just had one dream, I used to want to be an actress it wasn't because I wanted fame and riches. I just loved the idea of travelling the world, of becoming a different person. Excitement ran through me every time I watched a movie and even now I decide what character I would most like to be and try to be inspired by their actions, their portrayal.

As I grew older, it became apparent that this dream of being an actress was more a dream of adventure, of finding magic in a world I was told it didn't exist. I took the path shrouded with tree branches and fog over the path of neatly cut hedges and flowers. I don't ever think about the other path anymore, part of how I know I made the right choice is that I don't wonder where the other path would have led, I'm just relieved I'm not on it.

As I look at all I have created and developed in the last 18 months I find myself thrilled with the prospect of the path I now stare at before me. 'You have all the weapons you need, now fight''. With arrows flying and blades swinging I give my whole heart and being to my work. Maybe you don't think it's that exciting, that's fine. Your life is your own to lead. I just hope that you have something in your life that fills you with as much passion and excitement.

As I started into my mid twenties my life felt like it really got started, leading up to that point I had been governed by my parents and family, but now I was at the helm. Things don't always go to plan, but I find a way to navigate back on course and become stronger from the challenge.
When I think about it now, I don't need the sets and the lighting, it's the role I am cast, as myself that is the challenge. That one day in many years time, perhaps I may look back at my life and feel proud of the story that unfolded.
I am happy with where I am and what I am doing, if you spend your whole life wishing for more, you'll never respect and maintain all that you have in front of you.

I look to the close of 2014, continuing to work on many projects, strengthening the force with all that I do. 2014 marks the 20th anniversary of F.R.I.E.N.D.S // I like many other people my age grew up with FRIENDS and though I think I probably enjoy it more these days than when I was younger, I always told myself as a teen that once I was in the FRIENDS years (roughly 25-35) I'd be starting to make my own way in life. 25 for me was the start, I wasn't going to turn 25 and be training to do something I despised. I had no idea and still have no idea of what the future holds but at 26 and a half I'm passionate about everything in my professional and personal life.
There will be challenges and accomplishments ahead, it is with the now that I utilize my time to take on my ambitions and share this journey of the extraordinary ordinary life of KG.

LOVE & PEACE

♥ ☮

KG

Images / content belong to their respective owners.

LITTLEBEARWOLF  © Krystal Gemma. 

† ☾ A FRIEND THAT BETS AGAINST A FRIEND IS NO FRIEND ☾ †

This is probably my most personal blog feature on LBWC since it's beginning. I've been wondering whether or not to type it all. Though I have an idea, it's such a muddle of thoughts, memories and personal experience; I couldn't work out whether I should even bother.
It's been on my mind occasionally striking through crucial moments, so I have decided to write it.

It's a recollection and tale of a personal experience. The reason I've not been sure about posting is because I didn't want to focus on any negativity. Recently I've come to realise that towards this person, I don't feel anything in particular. To me this person is but a mere stranger, a former face that's drifted into the fog of memory. I've chosen to share this feature simply because I hope that to anyone else who has experienced something similar, or currently experiencing it, that it may offer them some breathing space and some strength with choosing what to do.

For the official record, I've changed the names of the people involved because the real people have no need to be featured here by name and also to protect any mutual people's involvement.

It is said than when an emotional relationship comes to an end, there is a period of pain and anguish, that only in time heals and allows us to move on. In those times, we count on our friends to support us and to carry us when we are weak. When that relationship is a friendship, where then do we seek light and strength when we need it most?

so here goes,

It was ten years ago that I had moved (initially) from far away and didn't know anyone. I was outside of any comfort zone I had learned to find through high school and felt excited and terrified by the prospect of starting a new college and life on the south coast.
I had left a boyfriend, friends, family, social life and everything I had known to move here. I kept telling myself it was the right thing to do, though my heart longed for home.

I met a few girls and boys, Cassy, the first from my form. A beautiful girl with long curly hair, a fair-weather nature that I admired. We wouldn't stay friends for long as we were destined for separate paths, she gave me the reassurance I needed that I would survive here.

A few more faces of people I barely remember, passed the time as I got used to my classes and new life. That was when I met Jane. We shared a few classes and she reminded me of my friends back home. She wouldn't speak with me at first, but I was determined we would be friends. How could we not, we had so many classes together and something was telling me to keep trying.

Finally as I slumped next to her in class, she reluctantly moved her bag. I used my only icebreaker I could think of, music. Her eyes lit up and everything I had imagined her to be, she was. She invited me to come with her to lunch, her friends didn't seem that fussed, though a lovely guy James chatted with me throughout the lunch break. He knew my hometown and between him and Jane I felt like I might actually be able to be happy here, not just survive.

We chatted everyday and over those first few uneasy months of college, I found a group of friends forming. As college went by, Jane and I grew ever closer. Mostly inseparable and constantly getting into all sorts of mischief, I don't think she ever knew it, but I was so enamored by her, she had this fiery rebellious streak that made her fight with everyone I knew, she made me feel incredibly safe.

We went to parties together, shopping, classes, trips, we both shared a lot of mutual friends that said we were always to be found together.

I genuinely believed we would be friends forever. We would joke with new friends that asked how we met, that 'well Jane hated me when we met, but after chatting about music, we love each other now'. Jane if you're reading this, It's that one sentence that has stayed with me since we grew apart. Did you ever really like me, or was it just about keeping your enemies closer?

As college drew to a close, we promised to keep in contact, neither of us worried about that, we were like sisters, of course we'd stay in touch. You'll have to excuse me here as the next few years a little hazy. It was the first few years after leaving college and my mid twenties that were actually my darkest. I had my heartbroken at 19 that led to several destructive relationships. Jane, if you thought I abandoned you in those times, you must know I quite often wanted to see you, you worked full time, between uni and a string of jobs I despised we never seemed to be in the same place.

We shared a few nights out, a few reunions, I stopped attending class reunions, I was trying to figure out who I really could develop lasting trustful friendships with and knew that many from college were not to last. It's a sad thing to lose touch with people, but I've learnt friends will always stay.
We shared a weekend away to Jane's families place, I kissed a family member of hers. It was a pair of naive teenagers that were simply being naive, who wouldn't even recognize each other now. It was never done in spite, in fact it was done without thought at all and too much alcohol.
I apologized the next day and told Jane how important our friendship was. The truth of it was, I was in a very dark place that I didn't understand from being too damn naive to understand it.

Those days of my early twenties were filled with learning experiences, mistakes that would turn into future knowledge. I stood by Jane, when one of our mutual friends Clare started to flirt with the guy that Jane had liked since I can remember. Jane's personal life is not for me to share, but I stuck by her with as much as I could, it was hard as we didn't see each other much.

I sent several emails, letters and got a few back. Too many teenage emotions, not enough understanding and in times when I've read them back it's broken my heart to read the things Jane thought I was responsible for.
I tried to build her confidence, I would never destroy a friends confidence. What others said to her about me were upsetting because they were not things I thought. I hadn't told them to say those things. I wonder why the people closest to her would say those things, it was nothing I could do.

Then out of the blue while living away in one of my darkest times, Jane messaged me. She would be coming to spend the day with me for my birthday. I was overjoyed at the thought, she would help me move home the next day too. oh and Clare was coming,
I thought what an odd bond, that Clare and Jane had become so close, I figured we were all growing, I didn't know Clare that well and looked forward to seeing them both. They both moaned about each other throughout the evening and by the time I was back at my parents I wondered what the hell had just happened. It had been lovely to see Jane, Clare seemed nice but our personalities didn't gel let's say.
After the visit, I felt like Jane was quite different and I didn't want to interrupt their friendship. Over a year passed until I saw Jane again. This time it was her birthday, we went out. It was on this night out I truly realized how far we had grown apart, how different we both were. James said 'do you ever feel like you've been invited just so you're there' I didn't really know how to take that and in hindsight the things I told him that night I wonder whether I should have done. Allies will always remain close with their friends.

I didn't speak with Jane again after that night. I felt confused and a bit lost. Had I been wrong all these years, had we ever even been friends? It seemed that I had become a thing for discussion, a think to be present only when needed. It was the things that James, Clare, (our other mutual friends) Lucy, Oliver and Sophie told me in the months after that broke my heart.
How could Jane really say or think those things? How could she treat me like that? I had only tried to be a good friend, I loved her to pieces. She'd been the dagger in my back for all that time. The thing I could never quite put my finger on.

I broke all ties and decided I was done. I was heartbroken and it was only a year after breaking those ties that I heard from her, I decided to reply. We shared a few replies and said we'd meed. As adults with our own lives now, trying to find a time to meet to recapture something that really only existed (if ever) ten years ago is not simple. We never re-met up.

I never really gave up hope that I had been fed lies from those mutual friends until this year when I came to blows with Clare after she and Jane had bet against me meeting them for coffee.
I don't need to tell you my readers that I'm quite often offered work last minute and so at that crucial time when my career was still building I couldn't turn anything down.
I was hurt and had it out with Clare, she admitted she'd never really thought we were close and I had to agree. I wasn't really hurt by Clare, I'd never really thought we'd be friends for a long time. She ignored me for most of our college days and grunted when partnered with me. I was surprised at the times we'd shared since.
It was Jane I was truly hurt by, that she had taken the bet (perhaps in a jokey way) but the truth of it was everything Clare told me was said had been said, so those other things in the past were true.

I'm not a believer in keeping enemies close, I don't envy anyone, you never really know what their going through. I only ever try to keep my own ambitions close and support those of the people I love in my life.
I'll never be horrible to people as I believe you should treat others as you wish to be treated.
I figured perhaps, the right thing to do was to in fact break all ties completely.
If you surround yourself with negativity, you channel that negativity.

I faced the choice of a recent interaction, to reply or not. I replied. I was kind. I was polite. The way I would be with a stranger. That is how I will continue. With Clare it was easy to say goodbye, to be civil when meeting but never more. With Jane it was crushing. Only in the months of this year have I found the strength to understand that friendships are never certain. As we move through life and our tastes, looks and lives change, so do our friends.
We both acted foolishly at times in our early twenties, in times since we've shared contacted and remained on good terms. I just couldn't be friends with Jane anymore, I was too confused and hurt by all the things that had been said and done.
I don't stay friends because of times shared, I stay friends with people because we remain friends. Hanging onto something you shared a decade ago, is like trying to fit in your training bra and wondering why it doesn't feel right.

My friendship with Jane taught me a lot about friendship, trust and myself. The last time we spoke she said she was happy, I am happy. Our lives are our own and I wish her every happiness. The Jane I knew and the Jane I know are two different people to me. As I am sure the KG she knew and the KG she knows are. Perhaps one day KG and Jane will be friends, that depends on their actions of the now.

My advice to anyone who has shared a broken friendship, there's never a point of no return. People always have the option to forgive and move on. It just depends whether they are willing.

Friendships should never make you feel anxious or stressed, if they are there's something perhaps wrong. We all let down people from time to time, True friends understand that. If your friends are making you feel stressed, like you need to perform to standard or act in a certain way, they aren't friends.

Trust your instincts and if something feels wrong, don't give in to it.
I try everyday in my extraordinary ordinary life to make a difference to my future by acting wisely in the now. Of course that doesn't always go to plan. It is then that we learn for the future.

Like dating an ex, can you ever truly have a fresh start, move on from the pain, the things that have been shared? Only you can decide.