Aloha,
I've had a very odd couple of days. Very odd indeed. It started off blissfully with a trip to Queen Elizabeth country park; which is by far one of my favourite places in England. Just a few steps off one of the busiest A roads; yet five minutes of walking and wind direction dependent the noise of the traffic just falls away to silence and nature envelopes it's tourist's in beauty and awe-inspiring sights.
It was while wandering around the country park and lying on the grass looking to the sky, I realised I don't ever stop anymore. Not a single day goes by that I don't tweet or share something online. Even sometimes just a photo but ultimately I never stop. I sleep seconds away from my phone, charging and on loud just incase I need to be woken from my sleep to work or be online. Oh KG, the nineties judges you.
You're that keen to work that you're willing to put your most primitive of needs second. No wonder the next 24 hours were the longest day of your life.
I had recently watched 'The Internship' (I don't normally go for Vaughn, Wilson combos but this particular film really kept my attention and made me realise several things about my own outlooks for career and future life) a slapstick funny look at two experienced salesmen entering a mental hungergames for the opportunity of a lifetime. This film made me wonder two things, one is that really what it's like to work for Google? What are the people like that provide us with the worlds biggest search engine? On more than one occasion i've paused a conversation with 'hang on two secs I'll Google it'.
I felt a little ashamed of myself that I had forgotten to enjoy what i'm doing, because I had got so caught up in doing it. I decided to take the day to relax, after all I love what I do, it's important to me, the bands and studio but the world isn't going to end if I take a day off. I'd focus on working a bit after dinner. (Umm KG that's still not a day off)
Yes but Confucius didn't live in the 21st century where society evolves faster than mankind. I don't feel the dread of getting up to put a uniform on for a company I secretly despise, but I wake up everyday knowing I have to make it count. I have to make improvements, positive change and build interest for my work. With 7 billion people on the planet, of course there's someone else doing what I do.'Choose a job you love and you will never have to work a day in your life'
As we arrived at the country park I felt a bit odd, tired (I hadn't been sleeping too well) a little stressed, happy but mostly warm, so warm. We wondered off the trail for a while, climbing hills and passing numerous different trees and shrubs. The sun beat down its hot rays; there under the canopy of the trees I felt muggy warm air swilling around my hair and gently blowing the skirt of my dress.
We found a lovely clearing and settled for some nibbles. It was here I chose to lay down, and just exist for a moment. I woke up and wondered how long I had been sleeping for. Rob was still laying in the sun and after a sip of water I decided to take some photos of the surroundings.
I felt uneasy and realised my chest was aching. At the end of last year I started to become unwell with my long-standing asthma condition. Being exposed to mould spores, extreme heat and high dust levels from a place of employment had left me with weakened lungs. The whole of 2014 had been overshadowed by that condition which at times would worsen and render me useless for a couple of days. Due to my work being so important to me, I had not taken any real time to recover, a couple of hours here and there. Countless prescriptions and medicines held me together on a weekly basis.
As we arrived back home and the guys were playing computer games, I could feel a real tightness in my chest. I don't know if you've ever suffered with Asthma but the feeling of not being able to breathe is terrifying. All your energy then focuses on trying to maintain the function that keeps you alive. As the night progressed I became sweatier, wheezier and in a general state of decreased awareness. My inhalers were proving futile and amongst disrupted zeds I was coughing and struggling to keep comfortable.
When the condition was no better in the morning, I started to feel a flurry of panic as I realised I still couldn't breathe properly. Determined not to go to hospital or back to the doctors I tried to focus on getting things done. No, not today KG. Not going to happen.
It was while lying there with loved ones rushing around me to help me that I realised my phone, my work and my tweets weren't going to help me now. My colleagues had been so kind, understanding and caring saying I was right to rest and work could wait, but I felt wasted not being able to offer something to the day. As the sun rose higher in the sky I drifted in and out of sleep, sometimes waking to take my inhaler. My mind urging me to pick up my phone but my lungs ensuring I did not. I began to think about my life. I wasn't by any means as wealthy as i'd like but that doesn't really matter, I mean after all money won't buy you happiness. Sometimes it just stalls you realising you are happy.
I realised that because my work is my baby, it's my future plans, it's my ambition that I had almost stopped putting any other energy into my life to focus purely on working. Which we all know leads to exhaustion and ultimately running yourself into the ground. Oh.right.
I hadn't even been taking my medication. Stupid girl. How can you take a step back though from the work that you love when it's all you focus on and the industry moves so fast. I felt a little helpless as I drifted off to sleep in the evening, knowing I still felt too unwell to focus on anything but too restless to rest.
It was ever warmer and as I was blisffully immersed in dreamless sleep, the loudest crash and rumbling across the sky awoke me abruptly. Light flickered across my whole bedroom and I suddenly realised it was a storm. I shuddered under my duvet before the second rumble sent me running into the next room yelping. I managed to stub my toe, graze a toe and burn both my hands on the furniture I bounded into.
I'm not normally scared of storms but I was alone and unwell. Realising how tired I was, I retreated back to my bed and pulled the duvet over my head.
A second storm thundered through the sky before morning and it's been so muggy today, I wouldn't be at all surprised if we are graced with more tonight. It's cloudy, muggy and still outside.
It was while resting this morning I realised I had overcome something yesterday; yes the fear of not working fills me with anguish but I realised that if it were all to fall to pieces I have something inherently more beautiful and lasting surrounding me. Love. Not just in the doe-eyed lovestruck kinda sense, in the sense that I have loving parents who would rather I was walking barefoot doing what I love with my time, than working in a pressure cooker of professional ladder climbing environments. For that I think i'm extremely lucky. I've known friends and colleagues with less understanding parents.
I have a wonderful, albeit crazy brother who despite driving me insane, I can't help but want to sit with and chat about all the wonderous things.
I have a modest group of freinds yet trusting, kind friendships with individuals that I both respect and find inspiration in.
The love from my best friend who I couldn't manage without, who has been there for me through everything i've endured and experienced. Who I can call at any time to just chat too, who I can wear no-make up around and cry my heart out too when things are too much. In the non-girlier sense of things, someone I trust and care for an incredible amount, someone I want to see happy and content in all that they do. When they can't be those things and I can't fix them, they know that I will just sit with and pass the time with until they are feeling better. Someone I can spend time with everyday and not tire of, someone who's passion for their art inspires me to stick at mine.
That's when I realised, i'm not wealthy in finances, I don't jet off to exotic places and this year i've had to grow up quicker than I ever have in the 25 years previous to this. I feel wealthy; I have a place to call home (it's not perfect but it's sure not the worse place i've ever lived or learnt about) I have loving family and friends who support my maniacal ideas and allow me to use my time to pursue them. I no longer pursue dreams of fame, riches because i've learnt that not all treasure is silver and gold. That being known does not mean you'll never feel alone.
As if by some odd twist of fate, I decided not to work today, I could but I still didn't feel particularly well and for once, I wanted to recover before embarking back on my quest. I instead watched 'About Time' one of my favourite films. It's an ordinary story explained in an extraordinary way. It's one of the most uplifting films i've watched. That we don't need to repeat the days we live, we don't need to hope for better. We just have to live each day as though it's the day we've gone back to change. The film itself has a real honest feel to it, as though it could be about one of your friends lives. It's the beautiful simplicity that makes this film one of my absolute favourites.
'Some days you want to relive forever, some days you only want to live once'
LOVE&PEACE
♥ ☮
LITTLEBEARWOLFCOVE
KG
KG
Images / content belong to their respective owners.
LITTLEBEARWOLFCOVE © - Krystal Gemma
LITTLEBEARWOLFCOVE © - Krystal Gemma
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