☾ ♬ D R A G O N B O R N ♬ ☾

With heaven in her eyes, she looked to the moon;
there in the light of the night, under a million shining stars,
she found her spirit;
strength of a bear, power of the wolf, fierce like the dragon;
as untameable as the sea, as peaceful as the forest,
with a heart of passion, she became as unaging as time.
- LITTLEBEARWOLF

Aloha friends,

  Please, make yourself comfortable and read on, I have a very different kind of post for you tonight. The last I posted was of my grandad's passing. Family illness and stress surround me, work is heavier than ever before and I find myself lost in a thousand memories, thoughts and places tonight.

I would like to make a point here too, that I am not overly religious, the theme of this post is purely personal, of which I've decided to share with my readers, as from all corners of the globe, I find some of my readers to be my most trusted friends.

These posts I'm calling 'Dragonborn' (a love for Skyrim inspired the name for these posts) are personal features that if I were to keep a diary would go in there, but they'll not help anyone written in a hidden notebook. I hope by sharing them, that maybe they may provide some light or inspiration for someone else. They are my personal journey through life, my way of dealing with the things that trouble me.

  So I decided to write.

  Music is beautiful, if you've come from my music blog than you'll know that it's been my biggest passion for almost all of my life. I find in life, music and walking help me most, when I need to focus my mind, align my thoughts. I've come to realise a specific genre of music, comforts and guides my thoughts in these times, so tonight I write something of a particularly personal nature.

  I guess to generalise, the music in which I speak of would be categorised under soundtrack/world, in Celtic, Adventure, Fantasy. It got me thinking though, how one type of music could bring me so much peace and harmony while others find a completely different genre of music to have that same effect for them.

 Before I get on with the post, I should explain, how i've ended up here, writing, tonight. It was my grandad's funeral last week, Thursday. Almost a week ago, yet I'm finding it harder to move on now, than before the funeral. I find myself feeling immensly tearful and emotional at random times, with no prior explanation. I realised after some thought, that it's the permanance of death that makes me sad. It's not a fear, not as such. I don't fear where the dead go, when you see the peace in their face, I can't imagine them to be suffering, nor believe it. It's just the realisation that, that person is in fact gone.

When my grandma passed away, I was a lot younger. I was taken to the chapel of rest to see her, I was perhaps a little too young to understand death. I knew the concept but could have had no understanding of the emotion and overwhelming feelings that come with it.

I kissed her forehead and it was the coldest thing i'd ever and have to this day ever felt. With that ice, something burned into my mind that day that even now I find hard to think about. She was gone. Her whole spirit was gone, she was no longer on whatever planet, plane or spiritual world I belonged to.

When I travelled back home for my grandads funeral, I was surprised by how many people he had had an effect on, of how much his life was celebrated. I realised also, I have more of him in me than I had previously known.

From the experience of grandma, I couldn't see grandad. I didn't want to feel him that cold, I needed to remember him full of life and laughing, which I do. Yet as the service came to a close and the coffin was picked up, I couldn't help but feel a desperate scream inside of myself. As they lowered him into his place of rest, I felt as though I wanted to scream, to shatter the beautiful peace in the summer sky and green field that day. How could he be gone, he was so strong. He was old and had lived a long and loving life. It's not just him, it's all people, just how can we, anyone be so gone.

I don't know what I believe of ghosts and such, certainly not on a level that I'm willing to write about here, but one thing I feel is that he is still with his family in all of us, but when I think of him lying there, I am filled with so much sadness, it sends me to tears and a total feeling of loss.

While I am finding ways to come to terms with and find strength to overcome those feelings, I throw myself into my thoughts. Into the bands I work with, into my projects. Into anything that makes me feel full of life, anything that deters from fleeting moments of desperation.

As I listen to various compositions of Celtic music and epic themes, I begin to realise that something in that music, draws my attention and makes me feel focused and calm. I turn it up a little louder and close my eyes. It reminds me of home, it reminds me of the books I was read, of the music I was played. Of the stories I was told and it reminds me of my family and my roots.

I realise it reminds me of the man who gave my entire family life, it reminds me of Grandad. In that I find an overwhelming feeling of joy. I realise that my family, my heritage, these give me strength. The fantasy and adventure themes give me an escape to focus on something that might just contain enough magic to stop me feeling so low.

With that, I'm not ashamed to be a bit of a hippy, a bit wild, a bit away with the fairies, because you know what, dragons, unicorns, castles, rolling hills, celtic tales, ancient histories, civilisations, music, my heritage and astrology provide me with that magic, the magic you need to break through your darkest rainclouds and provide you with even just a moment of solace and a breath of air.

As I sat in that church, the sun streaming through the stained-glass windows, I felt a lump in my throat as I sat in this building that was hundreds of years old and minus a few modern gadgets had remained as such since it was built. Something beautiful, powerful and that I didn't understand filled my mind. I let out a few tears and a cough, the only way I could clear my throat enough to keep breathing. I don't know what it is about churches that make me feel like that, but I couldn't help imagining it being built, the people building it, the people who have sat in it, throughout the Victorian times, the wars and now me. All those faces and souls gone, disappeared from our world and known only to time, history and from those who have memory of them. 

I don't know what the future holds for me, I don't know what will become of KG or the people she knows and loves. All I can do is focus my time and energy on being and sharing as much as I can with the people I love, I work with and I meet.

I'll use the inspiration I find, I'll hold the memories close. I'll believe in all the magic and mystery I can to create as much as I can in the time I have. I'll fight with passion and give my energy to everything I do.

For now I have all the weapons I need, I will fight.

LOVE&PEACE

♥ ☮

LITTLEBEARWOLF
KG

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