This spring in particular sees me celebrate meeting and sharing my life with my best friend for two years, a lot of our friends are getting married, engaged and starting to make lifelong commitments to each other, with my calendar full of save the dates, I began to wonder about what saying yes to someone for the rest of your life might feel like.
I'm definitely on the fence when it comes to marriage, my parents have been happily married for almost thirty years, I certainly love the idea of giving my whole self to 'the one' and in return knowing they too are giving me themselves.
I like to think that one day I might share that with someone, I definitely feel in love enough to make that commitment, but will I feel that way for the rest of my life? I'm not the same person I was five years ago, I'm not the same person I was two years ago, so how am I supposed to know that the person I am in love with now, will be the person I will be in love with in half my lifetime again?
I'm not being incredibly insensitive here, I would ask that of him, how he knows that I am the person he will love in half his lifetime to come. People say 'you just know'. So I was led to believe that if I didn't just know, that it meant it wasn't meant to be? No. I have no idea who I'll be in twenty years time, I have no idea who I'll be in two years time, but when I think about life and sharing it, because to me, sharing my life with my best friend is important, I know that not sharing my life with that person is not an option.
I'm left with this resonating feeling, that feels like a true bond, that isn't all definitely's, just like when we first me we didn't know that we would end up here. That resonating sound is happiness, it's the knowing that I do want that person in my life and that right now yes I would make that commitment to them.
Just like that I feel as though I've become an adult. I'm willing to give half of my life to someone else. It doesn't mean I have too.
So if you're like me and surrounded by a world of brides and weddings, it doesn't mean you're in any kind of rush, I'm a real believer that when the moment is right, life happens. That when you search for it, it becomes ever more hidden.
So my answer yes I love my best friend with the light of the moon, I would protect him with the burning passion of a thousand suns, but that doesn't mean I have to stop living, stop breathing. For the first time in my life, I feel like a woman, I feel free and as though everything I've ever dreamed could be possible, I know in my heart right now, that though I want to share my life with him, I also don't want to give up on myself.
That's where I realized something very spectacular, that my best friend, doesn't make me feel like I'm giving up on myself, he's often the one behind me as I stare over the cliff-edge willing me to take the dive to the ocean below. When I leap and I hit the rocks, he carries me, he builds my strength up until I'm strong enough to take the leap again.
If you make someone your everything, you stand to lose it all, but if you balance it right, you can have it all.
He makes me feel like I am home, it's all very well being off round the globe, but you have to come back to somewhere. Shouldn't that somewhere feel like home?
I don't know where I will be two years from now, but I hope that he will still be part of it, sharing in my adventure and I in his.
The same goes for friendship, something that put me off marriage, was the hens. The hen party, the bridesmaids. I don't have a big group of female friends, in fact I have very few female friends. I tend to find that I get along better with guys, their girlfriends make up the majority of my female companions.
Every now and then I meet a girl and we click, it's beautiful, but we're so like-minded that she ends up back on the road and I'm lucky if I see her once a year. So I have a wonderful online connection to my closest girl friends, but they reach the farthest corners of the globe.
I wondered 'wait, I can't get proposed to, I don't have any bridesmaids' that's a total lie, I could call upon the best girls in the world, right now bridesmaids and proposals are on my thoughts, because I only have to log on to social media to be reminded of it, but actually I feel as though I'm running towards the highest cliff top I'll ever leap from and were there a gold ring around my finger, I may be to heavy to even take the leap at all. I wasn't looking for love when I found it, when we are quiet with our words and minds, the heart can truly speak.
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