This is probably my most personal blog feature on LBWC since it's beginning. I've been wondering whether or not to type it all. Though I have an idea, it's such a muddle of thoughts, memories and personal experience; I couldn't work out whether I should even bother.
It's been on my mind occasionally striking through crucial moments, so I have decided to write it.
It's a recollection and tale of a personal experience. The reason I've not been sure about posting is because I didn't want to focus on any negativity. Recently I've come to realise that towards this person, I don't feel anything in particular. To me this person is but a mere stranger, a former face that's drifted into the fog of memory. I've chosen to share this feature simply because I hope that to anyone else who has experienced something similar, or currently experiencing it, that it may offer them some breathing space and some strength with choosing what to do.
For the official record, I've changed the names of the people involved because the real people have no need to be featured here by name and also to protect any mutual people's involvement.
It is said than when an emotional relationship comes to an end, there is a period of pain and anguish, that only in time heals and allows us to move on. In those times, we count on our friends to support us and to carry us when we are weak. When that relationship is a friendship, where then do we seek light and strength when we need it most?
so here goes,
It was ten years ago that I had moved (initially) from far away and didn't know anyone. I was outside of any comfort zone I had learned to find through high school and felt excited and terrified by the prospect of starting a new college and life on the south coast.
I had left a boyfriend, friends, family, social life and everything I had known to move here. I kept telling myself it was the right thing to do, though my heart longed for home.
I met a few girls and boys, Cassy, the first from my form. A beautiful girl with long curly hair, a fair-weather nature that I admired. We wouldn't stay friends for long as we were destined for separate paths, she gave me the reassurance I needed that I would survive here.
A few more faces of people I barely remember, passed the time as I got used to my classes and new life. That was when I met Jane. We shared a few classes and she reminded me of my friends back home. She wouldn't speak with me at first, but I was determined we would be friends. How could we not, we had so many classes together and something was telling me to keep trying.
Finally as I slumped next to her in class, she reluctantly moved her bag. I used my only icebreaker I could think of, music. Her eyes lit up and everything I had imagined her to be, she was. She invited me to come with her to lunch, her friends didn't seem that fussed, though a lovely guy James chatted with me throughout the lunch break. He knew my hometown and between him and Jane I felt like I might actually be able to be happy here, not just survive.
We chatted everyday and over those first few uneasy months of college, I found a group of friends forming. As college went by, Jane and I grew ever closer. Mostly inseparable and constantly getting into all sorts of mischief, I don't think she ever knew it, but I was so enamored by her, she had this fiery rebellious streak that made her fight with everyone I knew, she made me feel incredibly safe.
We went to parties together, shopping, classes, trips, we both shared a lot of mutual friends that said we were always to be found together.
I genuinely believed we would be friends forever. We would joke with new friends that asked how we met, that 'well Jane hated me when we met, but after chatting about music, we love each other now'. Jane if you're reading this, It's that one sentence that has stayed with me since we grew apart. Did you ever really like me, or was it just about keeping your enemies closer?
As college drew to a close, we promised to keep in contact, neither of us worried about that, we were like sisters, of course we'd stay in touch.
You'll have to excuse me here as the next few years a little hazy. It was the first few years after leaving college and my mid twenties that were actually my darkest. I had my heartbroken at 19 that led to several destructive relationships. Jane, if you thought I abandoned you in those times, you must know I quite often wanted to see you, you worked full time, between uni and a string of jobs I despised we never seemed to be in the same place.
We shared a few nights out, a few reunions, I stopped attending class reunions, I was trying to figure out who I really could develop lasting trustful friendships with and knew that many from college were not to last. It's a sad thing to lose touch with people, but I've learnt friends will always stay.
We shared a weekend away to Jane's families place, I kissed a family member of hers. It was a pair of naive teenagers that were simply being naive, who wouldn't even recognize each other now. It was never done in spite, in fact it was done without thought at all and too much alcohol.
I apologized the next day and told Jane how important our friendship was. The truth of it was, I was in a very dark place that I didn't understand from being too damn naive to understand it.
Those days of my early twenties were filled with learning experiences, mistakes that would turn into future knowledge. I stood by Jane, when one of our mutual friends Clare started to flirt with the guy that Jane had liked since I can remember. Jane's personal life is not for me to share, but I stuck by her with as much as I could, it was hard as we didn't see each other much.
I sent several emails, letters and got a few back. Too many teenage emotions, not enough understanding and in times when I've read them back it's broken my heart to read the things Jane thought I was responsible for.
I tried to build her confidence, I would never destroy a friends confidence. What others said to her about me were upsetting because they were not things I thought. I hadn't told them to say those things. I wonder why the people closest to her would say those things, it was nothing I could do.
Then out of the blue while living away in one of my darkest times, Jane messaged me. She would be coming to spend the day with me for my birthday. I was overjoyed at the thought, she would help me move home the next day too. oh and Clare was coming,
I thought what an odd bond, that Clare and Jane had become so close, I figured we were all growing, I didn't know Clare that well and looked forward to seeing them both. They both moaned about each other throughout the evening and by the time I was back at my parents I wondered what the hell had just happened. It had been lovely to see Jane, Clare seemed nice but our personalities didn't gel let's say.
After the visit, I felt like Jane was quite different and I didn't want to interrupt their friendship. Over a year passed until I saw Jane again. This time it was her birthday, we went out. It was on this night out I truly realized how far we had grown apart, how different we both were. James said 'do you ever feel like you've been invited just so you're there' I didn't really know how to take that and in hindsight the things I told him that night I wonder whether I should have done. Allies will always remain close with their friends.
I didn't speak with Jane again after that night. I felt confused and a bit lost. Had I been wrong all these years, had we ever even been friends? It seemed that I had become a thing for discussion, a think to be present only when needed. It was the things that James, Clare, (our other mutual friends) Lucy, Oliver and Sophie told me in the months after that broke my heart.
How could Jane really say or think those things? How could she treat me like that? I had only tried to be a good friend, I loved her to pieces. She'd been the dagger in my back for all that time. The thing I could never quite put my finger on.
I broke all ties and decided I was done. I was heartbroken and it was only a year after breaking those ties that I heard from her, I decided to reply. We shared a few replies and said we'd meed. As adults with our own lives now, trying to find a time to meet to recapture something that really only existed (if ever) ten years ago is not simple. We never re-met up.
I never really gave up hope that I had been fed lies from those mutual friends until this year when I came to blows with Clare after she and Jane had bet against me meeting them for coffee.
I don't need to tell you my readers that I'm quite often offered work last minute and so at that crucial time when my career was still building I couldn't turn anything down.
I was hurt and had it out with Clare, she admitted she'd never really thought we were close and I had to agree. I wasn't really hurt by Clare, I'd never really thought we'd be friends for a long time. She ignored me for most of our college days and grunted when partnered with me. I was surprised at the times we'd shared since.
It was Jane I was truly hurt by, that she had taken the bet (perhaps in a jokey way) but the truth of it was everything Clare told me was said had been said, so those other things in the past
were true.
I'm not a believer in keeping enemies close, I don't envy anyone, you never really know what their going through. I only ever try to keep my own ambitions close and support those of the people I love in my life.
I'll never be horrible to people as I believe you should treat others as you wish to be treated.
I figured perhaps, the right thing to do was to in fact break all ties completely.
If you surround yourself with negativity, you channel that negativity.
I faced the choice of a recent interaction, to reply or not.
I replied. I was kind. I was polite. The way I would be with a stranger. That is how I will continue. With Clare it was easy to say goodbye, to be civil when meeting but never more. With Jane it was
crushing. Only in the months of this year have I found the strength to understand that friendships are never certain. As we move through life and our tastes, looks and lives change, so do our friends.
We both acted foolishly at times in our early twenties, in times since we've shared contacted and remained on good terms. I just couldn't be friends with Jane anymore, I was too confused and hurt by all the things that had been said and done.
I don't stay friends because of times shared, I stay friends with people because we remain friends. Hanging onto something you shared a decade ago, is like trying to fit in your training bra and wondering why it doesn't feel right.
My friendship with Jane taught me a lot about friendship, trust and myself. The last time we spoke she said she was happy, I am happy. Our lives are our own and I wish her every happiness. The Jane I knew and the Jane I know are two different people to me. As I am sure the KG she knew and the KG she knows are. Perhaps one day KG and Jane will be friends, that depends on their actions of the now.
My advice to anyone who has shared a broken friendship, there's never a point of no return. People always have the option to forgive and move on. It just depends whether they are willing.
Friendships should never make you feel anxious or stressed, if they are there's something perhaps wrong. We all let down people from time to time, True friends understand that. If your friends are making you feel stressed, like you need to perform to standard or act in a certain way, they aren't friends.
Trust your instincts and if something feels wrong, don't give in to it.
I try everyday in my extraordinary ordinary life to make a difference to my future by acting wisely in the now. Of course that doesn't always go to plan. It is then that we learn for the future.
Like dating an ex, can you ever truly have a fresh start, move on from the pain, the things that have been shared?
Only you can decide.
